


You Thought This Was a Love Story? (Isn't it?)

by SecretLoveNote



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, F/F, F/M, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2018-04-06 18:26:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4232166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SecretLoveNote/pseuds/SecretLoveNote
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You hated everything there was to love about Clarke Griffin. But what you hated most was the way you could never seem to shake her.</p><p>You loved everything there was to hate about Lexa Wilde.<br/>But what you loved most was the way she could never seem to shake you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Push & Pull

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just gonna apologize ahead of time, I'm extremely rusty and this is my first attempt at a 'The 100' fic. Any mistakes are mine. Feel free to comment and tell me what you think, point out any mistakes I may have made, or make a request for future chapters!

**Lexa**

_You hated her voice and the way it rang effortlessly into the crisp air until it eventually reached out to gently caress your ears like music from a symphony. You hated the way her blue eyes had trapped the sea and all that was visible in their reflection was you drowning in crashing waves the color of the sky and ice. You hated her hair and the way each sun kissed strand glided behind her with subtle grace not unlike that of nobility dancing to the beat of the symphony her mouth provided. Don't even get you started on her smile, the one taken straight from a Christmas card that made you taste hot chocolate on the back of your tongue and inhale snowy air into the expanse of your lungs. You hated everything there was to love about Clarke Griffin. But what you hated most was the way you could never seem to shake her._

* * *

 

"You're staring again."

You hadn't noticed Anya lean over to whisper in your ear. Your face gives nothing away as your eyes focus in on the apple in your hand then flicker over towards your best friend.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

You claim as you take another bite. The lie falls flat as your traitorous eyes move on their own accord back to a slender back and blonde locks.

"Why don't you just talk to her if you're so interested in her?"

Anya asks for seemingly the thousandth time since you met and she noticed your staring, not even bothering to dispute your horrendous lie.

"I am not."

You growl out louder than expected. The few people who braved sitting within ten feet of you turn towards you in fear and intrigue at your terrifying outburst. Anya however, just stifles a laugh with a bite of her peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You lower your voice and glare at the girl,

"I am not interested in a spoiled simpleton like Clarke Griffin."

You repeat, tacking on the insult to further prove your point. Anya doesn't hold back her laugh this time and you casually turn towards her and spit an un-chewed piece of apple chunk directly at her forehead, hitting your target perfectly. Anya's laughter dies out immediately and she openly scowls at you now.

"That's disgusting Lex."

Her lips pull into a grimace as she wipes the remaining spittle from her head with the back of her hand.

"I'm just saying, anyone with eyes knows she's obsessed with you. She's always staring at you in gym. It's really unsettling. I don't understand how you can sit through it, but then again, you stare at her just as much."

She pauses for a brief moment before going on and you just sigh.

"Actually, glare is a better word. You look at her like you want to punch her. I don't get why she likes you."

You stand and throw your trash away, Anya stuffs the remainder of her sandwich in her mouth and follows suit.

"Maybe it's because I kinda do. Everything about her is bothersome. Just looking at her stupid, smiley face makes me wanna kick a baby."

You reply as you wait for Anya to grab her backpack off the floor. You walk side by side past the table the subject of your hatred is currently sitting at. Clarke's best friend and Anya's crush Raven smiles at you both before her eyes find Anya's, her voice stopping your retreat from the cafeteria.

"Hey, Anya. Lexa."

She grins like she's hiding a secret and you watch her eyes dart to Clarke who is pointedly staring at the salad in front of her as though it is speaking in tongues and she wants to decipher their meaning more than anything else in the world. Anya smiles back at the brunette and replies,

"Hi, Raven, hi, Clarke."

Clarke's eyes widen a fraction and she mumbles a small greeting in response, never taking her eyes off the salad.

"Rude."

You mumble earning an elbow from Anya. If you had glanced over at Clarke instead of crossing your arms and turning your eyes away from the table in a pout, you would have noticed the small smile that appeared on the blondes lips. Raven, the ever observant person she was, had noticed.

"Are you guys headed to your lockers? Me and Clarke are almost done if you wanna wait a few, we'll walk with you."

She offers with a smile Anya never stood a chance against which means you are also stuck waiting for them. You huff but allow Anya to pull you over to the vacant seats beside Raven. You now have a clear view of Clarke and that only makes you more annoyed. She finally lifts her head and smiles warmly at you. You stare back blankly hoping she'll get the point and stop looking at you. Unfortunately, she is either oblivious to your hatred of her, or she's playing mind games with you because she just smiles even brighter before stuffing a forkful of salad into her perfect mouth. You roll your eyes and try to focus on anything other than the bit of ranch resting above her plump lips that you want to lick off. _Wait, what?_ More like slap off. Yeah, that sounds much more sane.

"Do you always make a habit of eating like a pig?"

You can't help it, her smiling was irksome and that ranch was making you want to crawl across the table and remove it yourself. She stares at you for a second as though she is unsure if you're referring to her. You raise your eyebrows at her and add on,

"Yeah you. Your eating ability is more abysmal than my grandmother's and she chews without her dentures."

Clarke smiles around her mouthful of food and reaches for her napkin, wiping her face clear of the white substance that was bothering you to no end. At least she swallows before replying,

"Thanks for the heads up. Some people would just let me walk around like that for the rest of the day."

She glances pointedly at Raven who has stopped conversing with Anya to smirk and blow a kiss Clarke's way ever ready with a quick reply.

"You know you love me."

Your chest constricts and your fist clench beneath the dirty table top. Love is not a word you would ever associate with Clarke Griffin. Hate, definitely, but you'd have to be deliriously high and on your death bed on April fools to ever say you love her. Actually, love isn't a word you would associate with anyone anymore. She sees you blanch at the word and that stupid smile is right back on her face. You wish her eyes would stop sparkling, their brightness is blinding so you remove your gaze from her to a spot behind her, trying to ignore the way your heart had calmed when she looked at you like that. Hating her was easier than admitting the opposite. All you wanted to do was breathe air not tainted with the cold splash of life that always accompanied her smile. You looked hard at the spot above her head and prayed for a warmth that would never come. Anya pinched your arm and joined the conversation,

"That's pretty hypocritical of you to say Lex seeing as though you just spit an apple chunk at me not even five minutes ago."

Raven laughs and a few moments later Clarke raises her eyebrows with a small grin.

"You deserved it. Besides, that's not even in the same category as Clarke's obvious lack of proper eating etiquette."

The other three girls crack up at this for some reason and you glare at each one in turn. You wouldn't know it, but Clarke's heart raced the moment her name had slipped from your lips.

"Eating etiquette? Really Lexa? What century are you from?"

Raven asks making the trio laugh even harder than before. You clench your jaw and stand briskly.

"Whatever, I'll see you in class Anya."

You bite out before stomping away like a child throwing a tantrum but not before hearing that horribly beautiful voice of an angel call out,

"See you in gym, Lexa!"

You don't even have to turn around to know she's got that same damn smile on her face.

* * *

 

**Clarke**

_You loved her voice and the way it crackled with a commanding presence, demanding to be heard and obeyed like the whipping of a cane through silent air. You loved the way her unforgiving eyes never settled on a color and instead some days you would see the neutral green of a rose's foliage permeated in morning dew while on others, they would resemble the bright green feathers of a peacock but were always narrowed in a signature glare. You loved her hair and the beautiful puzzle game her intricate braids weaved throughout one another like children laughing in the streets playing hide and seek. Don't even get you started on her frown, the one seemingly reserved for you in particular that made you taste cold, melting ice cream on a hot summer day and sent delicious shivers down your spine in kind. You loved everything there was to hate about Lexa Wilde. But what you loved most was the way she could never seem to shake you._

* * *

 

"She's totally staring at you again, Clarke."

Raven raises her eyebrows at Lexa but her attention has currently shifted back to Anya so she doesn't see. You gulp and flush slightly even though you know she can't see you.

"Is she glaring?"

You hope she is. You love the way her eyes darken when she glares at you. Raven just makes a gagging noise.

"Seriously Clarke, you've gotta be super twisted to actually find that ball of angry tension attractive. Does the girl ever smile?"

She asks shaking her head and scooping a spoonful of your yogurt into her mouth. You snatch it away and set it beside your salad.

"At me? Never, but I've caught glimpses when she talks to Anya."

Raven has already snatched the yogurt back and you let her keep it because you know you won't finish it anyway.

"Oh I'm so glad you don't sound like a complete stalker every time you talk about the ice queen."

She replies sarcastically. You frown in response.

"She's not an ice queen. She's just misunderstood."

You can't help but defend her even though you know she would never do the same for you. Raven just lifts a brow at you in turn and shakes her head again.

"Or maybe, you just misinterpret her total hatred of you for friendship because you're in love with Commander Stone-Eyes."

You sigh and take another bite of your salad. No one ever understands what you mean when you talk about the way Lexa's mannerisms don't make her a _'stoic bitch'_ or whatever mean comment they come up with. You wish they would get rid of their stupid tunnel vision and see what you see but then again, you're perfectly fine being the only one who notices the beauty beneath the beast. If others started to see it, you would no doubt stand even less of chance, though you already know you don't anyway.

"My heart doesn't know how _not_ to love her, Raven."

You whisper out almost hoping she doesn't hear it but you know she does because she replies as though she is deep in thought,

"Yeah, I know what you mean."

You glance up at her and see her eyes look somewhat glazed over and you smile to yourself because you know that look. It's the one she reserves specifically for Anya, though she always brushes it off whenever you tell her the intimidating girl looks at her with the same expression. You wish Lexa would look at you like that just once but you settle for her glares. Anything that shows she sees you is better than nothing at all.

"Anyway,"

Raven snaps her attention back to you and you narrow your eyes because she has that mischievous glint in her eyes that promises her next words will undoubtedly be inappropriate and troublesome.

"I bet The Commander would be a total bottom in bed."

And once again your instincts prove trustworthy. You cringe briefly and gaze down at your salad with tinted cheeks because for a moment you allowed yourself to imagine smooth, caramel colored skin glistening beneath you, begging to be touched, your name a prayer on rounded lips. You don't get a chance to reply though because Raven is talking again, but not to you.

"Hey Anya. Lexa."

You debate the merits of choking the other girl but the moment passes and Anya is saying your name. You mumble something you're positive is incoherent because you can't bear to look up and show the retreating blush on your face to the person who put it there. You hear the word _'rude'_ float effortlessly into the air and you can't help but smile. You still don't look up though. Raven is saying something about walking to your lockers together and you hear the creaking of chairs that sound as though they might give out at any moment. You finally look up and make direct eye contact with Lexa. Your mouth automatically lifts into a smile like it does every time you see her and you watch as she looks back at you with no emotion. You wonder if she practices this particular face in the mirror each morning and the thought of Lexa doing facial exercises just to show how much she doesn't like you makes you smile wider because that would mean she was thinking of you. You take another bite of salad still looking at the beautiful brunette who is now rolling her eyes at you. Her voice breaks you out of your imagination where you had began to picture her eyes rolling for a whole other reason.

"Do you always make a habit of eating like a pig?"

She states, her eyes quickly darting to your lips before they return to your eyes. This does things to your insides and you're pretty sure you could puke butterflies right now. She must get the wrong idea about your facial expression because she's then saying,

"Yeah you. Your eating ability is more abysmal than my grandmother's and she chews without her dentures."

You know she's making digs at you in hopes that you'll stop looking at her but you simply smile around the bite before you wipe your mouth with your napkin. You continue to chew, making sure to swallow before replying, trying not to give her more ammo to shoot at you.

"Thanks for the heads up. Some people would just let me walk around like that for the rest of the day."

You look over at Raven because this wouldn't be the first time (or the last) that you had gotten something on your face without you knowing it but you usually went whole periods before Octavia would point out the unsightly view. You always smacked Raven and pouted while going on about how she must hate you for allowing you to walk around looking like a child just learning to eat. She would just shrug and give you her signature Reyes smirk and you'd forget why you were upset in the first place. She's giving it to you now and blowing you a kiss for added effect.

"You know you love me."

And you smile because it's true. You look back to Lexa in time to see her jaw clench. You're still smiling because let's be real, who _wouldn't_ smile at that jawline? You don't know if she even realizes she's doing it. Though you're smiling you wonder why she doesn't seem to like the word love. Your heart hurts for a moment wondering if someone caused this to be her go to reaction. It makes you unreasonably angry and thankfully Lexa's attention has been captured by Anya because it's hard enough to breathe when she's looking at you but you're allowed a small reprieve from icicle stares seeping out of dark green eyes before you're all laughing, minus Lexa. Your heart almost hurts from pounding so hard. It felt like your heart was thrown off its imaginary axis the way Lexa had said your name. You're laughing even harder now at Raven's witty response. Lexa is less than impressed and she's stomping away angrily and you can't help but check out her backside before throwing caution to the wind and calling out to the retreating figure,

"See you in gym, Lexa!"

And you're smiling again watching long, tanned legs dart out of the cafeteria and into the safety of the hallway. You're blissfully unaware that as the doors slowly drift closed again a small smile had grazed the other girl's lips in reply to your comment.


	2. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke makes a deal with Anya, Lexa is her normal angsty self, Finn is two-faced, someone ends up with a concussion, and a truth is revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate all the comments and I'm glad people enjoyed the first chapter! I've been writing and rewriting this chapter for days now and I'm not too happy with it but I figured now was as good a time as any to update. Any comments, questions, or advice are always welcome!

**Clarke**

_"It's really good to hear your voice saying my name it sounds so sweet coming from the lips on an angel hearing those words it makes me weak"_

**Lips Of An Angel-Hinder**

 

* * *

 

You're sitting beside Octavia trying to pay attention to whatever Mr. Kane is teaching but math has never been your strong suit and today's lesson is even more boring than usual. You can't help but think about Lexa. Octavia notices your lack of focus and scribbles a few words onto a blank piece of paper before smoothly sliding it onto your desk.

_'u ok there princess?'_

You smile a little before writing out a response.

_'im good O, just thinking'_

You slip the paper back to her as stealthily as you can. She takes a moment to read your words and then looks up at you. Her look is a mixture of sympathy and understanding because of course she knows who you're thinking about. You hope you don't look as pathetic as you feel. Octavia turns away and writes something else down. She places it in front of you and goes back to taking notes she knows you'll ask to copy later.

_'u deserve better clarke even if she doesn't love u, i do. remember that.'_

It's moments like this you're forever grateful for the group of friends you have. You take the paper and gently tuck it into your purple folder labeled _'O'_ with a small heart beside it, right in front of another piece of paper with a terrible cartoon drawing of you with a crown on and the words _'long live princess clarke!'_ Scribbled in her chaotically neat handwriting. Math ends moments later and you pack up your stuff, empty notes page and all, and walk quietly next to Octavia until you reach her history class and she just pulls you into a quick hug, conveying the words she doesn't need to say.

"See you in gym Clarke."

You're alone again with your thoughts as you walk towards the art room. Mr.Wallace stands outside of the classroom with that same easy smile he always seems to have and greets you as you walk inside. You smile back full force because he's your favorite teacher which makes this your favorite class as well. It helps that Finn, one of your good friends, is also in this class and he never asks you about anything you're not ready to share. He also has a strange knack of knowing exactly when you are ready. He always chalks it up to having years to practice which makes you grin every time without fail. Your heart steadies in your chest when he glances up from his current project and gives you a bright smile as though he sensed your presence before you made yourself known. It also doesn't hurt that he's cute in a charming boy next door sort of way with his dark eyes and long hair. You're reminded again of just how lucky you are as you happily stroll over to him.

"Hey there stranger."

He greets you as he always does every day when he sees you.

"Why hello kind fellow."

You say back and he grins before turning back to continue working on the strange metal creature he decided to create. You think it may be a deer of some sort but you can't be sure. You set your bag down and walk towards the back room that houses your own project. You're moving things around when you hear footsteps behind you and feel tapping on your shoulder. You're surprised to see Anya standing there staring at you.

"Um, hi?"

You're not sure why she's back here, of course she's in this class too so it's not completely unbelievable but to your knowledge you're the only one who keeps their projects back here.

"Hey, I have a favor to ask."

She rubs at the back of her neck nervously and if you weren't shocked before, you are now. Anya always seems so put together and sure of herself, or at least that's what you've heard Raven gush about her anyway. You don't say anything in fear she might change her mind or decide to kick your ass right then and there maybe as a favor to Lexa because she realized she's finally had enough of your staring and unwanted affection. You try not to release the breath you were holding too loudly in relief when she says,

"I need your help with something."

You smile warmly in hopes to ease some of her nerves.

"Sure! What do you need?"

She looks away and scuffs her shoe on the dried clay covered floor.

"Lexa's birthday is coming up soon and her room is really bland so I thought some art may brighten it up a bit?"

She asks more than states hoping that you'll catch on that she wants you to use your art prowess to make Lexa something. You open your mouth because a thousand ideas fill your brain all at once but all that comes out is,

"I would love too."

Albeit a little more eager than you would have liked but it's too late to take it back.

"Thank goodness. My skills are limited to mostly clay work and I don't think she'd much appreciate me rubbing grey clay all over her walls."

She chuckles and you can't help but laugh with her.

"Yeah from what I've seen today I wouldn't think that'd blow over well."

Anya's eyes soften some and her tone changes to one you've never heard her use before except maybe when she talks to Raven.

"She's not a bad person. She's just guarded is all. Between you and me, she's a big softie most of the time."

The fond smile on her face as she talks about Lexa makes your heart warm. You nod in understanding. You're glad she has Anya like you have your group of friends to keep her head above water when it feels like the weight of the world is trying to drown her.

"So, do you think she would appreciate a small pun?"

You ask, this time it's you who can't make eye contact. You don't see Anya grin at you.

"Depends, what did you have in mind?"

The genuine curiosity in her voice makes you tilt your head up.

"Well since her last name is Wilde I was thinking maybe a forest or something along those lines. Ya know, like the wild?"

The laughter that erupts from her is enough of an answer but she still replies,

"I think she would very much enjoy that. But if she doesn't, I find it hilarious. Go for it."

She encourages and your heart feels light again.

"When do you need it by?"

You manage to get out before she turns to leave. She taps her chin with a long finger and asks,

"Do you think you can have it done in a week and a half?"

You're all confidence and calmness now,

"Of course I can. The Wednesday after next it is."

She nods happy with this arrangement and leaves throwing a quick _'thank you'_ over her shoulder. Forty minutes later you're snapped out of drawing outlines of trees and greenery as the bell rings to dismiss you. You're walking with Finn towards the gym only half listening to what he's saying while your mind is picturing what Lexa's reaction to your painting might be.

"Earth to Clarke."

Finn waves his hand in front of your face trying to break you from your daydream. You glance up at him the apology already on your tongue when you feel someone jumping onto your back and a hand slapping your ass. You laugh as you greet your assailants,

"Hey O, Raven."

Octavia leans her chin on your shoulder and grins as you carry her on your back through the double doors Finn is holding open for you. Raven skips a few feet ahead and walks backwards through the doors first greeting you in turn,

"Have I told you how amazing your butt looks in those jeans?"

You roll your eyes and feel Octavia shift on your back. She glances down and moves back into her previous position with an appreciative whistle.

"Raven wasn't lying. Your butt looks fantastic, right Finn?"

You can't see her face but you know she's smirking.

"I-uh-you. That's um..."

You hear him stutter out. You release your grip on Octavia's left leg and thump her in the forehead with your palm.

"Ouch!"

"Leave him alone, O. Where's Lincoln when I need him?"

You roll your eyes wishing her oversized teddy bear of a boyfriend was around to keep her brash comments in check.

"He's probably hanging out at the station with Bell."

She answers casually. You smile because you remember when Bellamy had first met Lincoln. He had threatened to beat him senseless or torture him if he ever hurt his sister and when Lincoln had calmly replied he'd take any amount of pain if it meant Octavia would be okay in the end Bellamy had grinned from ear to ear and the two had become the best of friends. You walk with your friends until you reach your respectable locker rooms. Octavia stays on your back until you reach your lockers. She jumps down, slapping the cheek Raven hadn't with a wink as she does so. You laugh and shake your head turning your attention back to your locker. You take out your gym clothes and begin changing. You used to be ashamed of your body but after being friends with some of the most open, loving, and understanding people ever you learned there was so much to love about it. You're sitting on the concrete bench in front of your locker tying your shoes when Lexa walks in. She looks angrier than usual and you're tempted to ask her what's wrong but she's throwing her locker open and her shirt off and you lose the words immediately. Raven snaps in your face to get your attention and you blush, quickly rising to see her crossed arms and smug, knowing face.

"Let's go."

You push past her quickly hoping she won't tease you about your obvious staring. She doesn't and you're grateful as you, her, and Octavia take your two warm up laps ready for whatever strenuous activity Coach Indra will have you doing today. Your eyes scan the group of still running bodies. You smile watching Miller jog slowly next to Monty even though you know he's a track star. Both boys are laughing and talking as they run their laps, happy in their own bubble. Jasper isn't far behind, glancing over every so often to see if his girlfriend Maya is watching from her seat on the bleachers due to her asthma. She is of course and each time they lock eyes he straightens up a bit more and tries to look cool. Unfortunately, his lanky build only makes him look like a noodle with legs and you chuckle to yourself as you watch him for a few more seconds. Then your eyes are on the move again, skipping casually over Finn and a couple of other kids. They stop looking when they find their favorite sight. Lexa is all lean muscle and bronze skin as she runs easily beside Anya. They're not speaking so you have a clear view of her profile. Her eyebrows are slightly drawn together in fading anger. Her jaw is clenched and her fist are squeezed so tight you're sure there will be fingernail imprints when she loosens them. The sound of Coach Indra's voice pulls your attention away.

"I have paperwork that needs to be sorted. Today you'll be playing volleyball. Captains are Octavia and Anya, don't bother me unless someone is dead."

And with that she stalks away. You see Octavia's excited smile before you feel her slapping your arm happily.

"Omg you guys! She picked me! This is so awesome."

It was a known fact Coach Indra was Octavia's favorite teacher, much to everyone's confusion. The dark skinned woman rarely smiled and anything nice she said was always followed up with an insult but this did not deter Octavia's respect for her.

"We heard, O!"

You laugh and put your hands up to defend yourself from being hit again. Everyone lines up and the teams are decided. Octavia apologizes afterwards when you're left out but you wave her off going over to stand by Jasper, Monty, Maya, and some other kids with the athletic ability of a stick. You've never been super coordinated, always preferring to watch instead of participate.

"Looks like the S.U.C.Ks are all back together!"

Jasper smiles stupidly and you can't help but laugh at your band of misfits chosen name. You guys had come up with the name freshmen year and it had stuck some how. It stood for Super Un-Coordinated Kids and although it wasn't the coolest of names, it was fun to say and described the group in all it's simplistic glory.

"I'm actually pretty good at volleyball. I used to play club before my asthma started getting worse."

Maya speaks softly looking at the floor. Jasper grins,

"That's totally hot."

Maya blushes and smiles back while you and Monty exchange knowing looks before turning to watch the game begin. Lexa was of course on Anya's team and you watch her bend into passing position not even bothering to look at anyone else.

"Want me to get you some water, Clarke? You're looking a little thirsty over here."

Monty whispers and you can't fight off the blush that creeps onto your face. He laughs and shakes his head patting you on the back sympathetically as he eyes Miller who is unnecessarily stretching his muscular arms above his head and flexing slightly. You sigh and turn your attention back to the game where you see Anya beginning to serve. Octavia is ready and easily passes it to Raven who sets it to Finn. Finn is quick to spike it to his left but it's not an ace thanks to Lexa who seems ten seconds ahead of the movement of the ball before it even comes off Finn's hand. She digs it effortlessly and smirks at Finn who looks slightly peeved he didn't immediately get a point for his team. They volley back and forth for a few more plays but a misjudged hit from Miller sends the ball out of bounds and it rolls near your feet. You watch Finn in all his floppy haired charm run over and retrieve the ball before rolling it under the net to a waiting Anya. She doesn't waste time in serving though even if Finn hasn't moved an inch since retrieving the ball. The game goes on without him and he's smiling at you in a way that makes you slightly uncomfortable but he's your friend so you smile back.

"You look really cute with your hair like this princess."

He says as he tucks a loose strand of hair behind your ear. You blush bright red because you're not used to being complimented but gently push his hand away from your face.

"Um thanks. Shouldn't you be getting back to the game?"

You ask in hopes he'll leave faster. He turns back to look at the court and nods.

"Yeah, hey can we talk after class? There's something I wanted to ask you."

You shudder internally because you really hope he's not going to try and ask you out but externally you give a smaller, less excited smile and nod.

"Sure thing, Finn."

He grins brightly, unaware of your reluctance and only makes it a step away when you feel something hard smashing directly into your face. Next thing you know, you're dropping like a sack of potatoes and you feel the blood start dripping from your nose before you hit your head and wince in pain. Your memory is blurry from that moment on but you're sure there's an angel touching you at some point and at another you feel weightless and you're positive she's taking you to heaven. It feels like a dream come true because your angel sounds a lot like a familiar hate-filled brunette and she's saying your name.

* * *

 

  **Lexa**

_"My past has tasted bitter, for years now so I wield and iron fist. Grace is just weakness, or so I've been told. I've been cold, I've been merciless but the blood on my hands scares me to death"_

**I'll Be Good-Jaymes Young**

* * *

 

You're bored sitting in the back of your English class working on today's assignment: poem analysis. As you read through another dead poets horny thoughts for the millionth time you hear a name that makes you stop and listen in on the conversation,

"Did you see Clarke today? She looks amazing as usual, but that shirt she's wearing leaves little to the imagination if you catch my drift."

Finn says with a devious grin. Murphy, the school ' _bad boy'_ nods enthusiastically.

"She's got a nice rack for sure. I'd tap that any day."

Finn agrees with a nod of his own. You clench your jaw so tight it feels like you may pull something.

"Last year we all went to the beach and let me tell you Murph, add in some water and bikinis and it's like constant boner central. These girls trust me so much I've actually been in the room when they were changing."

Murphy sniggers at this. Your pencil is bending from the death grip you currently have on it.

"Bullshit. There's no way."

Finn shakes his head earnestly and you hope he doesn't say anything that will make you stab him in the neck with your currently fracturing pencil _(or maybe you do)_.

"No man, I'm serious. Raven and Clarke came in when I was finishing up changing into my trunks and started stripping. How else would I know Raven has abs and Clarke has a freckle near her naval and a mole on her right breast?"

The smug look on his face makes you jump from your seat, neither boy notices because the bell is ringing signaling the end of class and others are standing to gather their stuff. You huff in annoyance because all you want to do is punch the lights out of both the shaggy haired idiots in front of you. You don't get a chance though because they're moving away and out of the door, leaving you pissed at your missed opportunity. No one bothers you as you violently pack your things away and all but sprint from the classroom. A couple of feet ahead of you Clarke is walking with Octavia to the history class you share with the latter. You know Clarke has art this period, only so you can avoid her of course and because Anya has told you as much, so you stall by the water fountain waiting for her to leave so you can enter the classroom. She lingers a little longer and you see Octavia reach up and hug her, whispering something in her ear. You hate that your stomach churns even though you know she's dating Lincoln who happens to be your cousin. You hate that Clarke is looking at her with so much love in her eyes and the other girl is looking at her the same way. You're still fuming from the conversation that took place last period and this little display isn't helping at all. She finally walks away and you barley make it through the doors when the warning bell sounds. You're still pissed from earlier and it shows as you stomp your way over to your seat. Octavia and Raven are sitting beside each other as usual and Raven notices the scowl on your face. Thankfully, she says nothing and just offers you a small smile. You don't return it, not out of hatred but because your thoughts are still going from zero to sixty thinking about what that horrible excuse of a boy Finn Collins and his equally insipid friend were discussing. You hate that you want to defend the girl whose choice in friends is now unmistakably questionable. You take out your history spiral and open it to a new page as the teacher begins droning on about foreign policy and the action/inaction of the UN in times of crisis. You can't focus though because you're seeing red behind your eyelids every time you blink but blonde in your mind when your eyes are wide open and that's just not fair. You spend the entire class period in this zoned out state and only snap out of it when the sound of idle chatter has disappeared leaving deafening silence in its wake. Anya is waiting for you when you exit the classroom and gives you a look that you know means she's questioning what took you so long. You mumble something about last minute notes and paraphrasing as the two of you make your way towards the gym. Anya doesn't try to pry for information as the two of you walk into the locker room and you silently thank whatever higher power is out there that she isn't pushy when it comes to talking about how you feel and things of that nature, she knows you're not great at it and it makes you uncomfortable anyway. You don't notice sky blue eyes on you for the first time ever because you're still locked in your head space and Finn's degrading remarks are flashing bright in your mind. But Clarke is definitely looking at you as you get ready for gym. Your emotions show even if you don't notice them yourself. You rid yourself of your shirt entirely too forcefully trying to squash the aggression that threatens to escape at any given moment. Anya laughs and you look over at her with a raised brow.

"You should have seen Clarke's face just now. I think she likes 'em feisty if the figurative drool coming out of her mouth was any indication."

Her smug grin isn't making you feel any better so you choose to ignore the comment and focus on getting dressed. After you and Anya have finished your warm up laps you catch the end of what Coach Indra is saying and before you know it the game begins. Finn immediately goes in for the kill but you get there before it even comes close to being a point. He's upset but you just smile because that's what the pig of a boy gets for talking about his 'friends' as though they are pieces of meat and not people with feelings. But what happens next is completely out of your control. You watch as Finn jogs over to get the ball Miller has just failed to hit correctly, which just so happened to land at Clarke's feet, only he doesn't immediately join back in the game and instead, he has the nerve to touch the sun and you hope he burns but Clarke's face is red and she looks uncomfortable. You don't even think twice about it as you set up outside and spike the ball directly at the boy who has unknowingly chosen to make what is soon going to be the worst mistake of his life, except you didn't account for the possibility of him moving out of the way. You also didn't account for the next available target being Clarke's face. You watch in horror as her eyes close and red gushes from her nostrils before she's falling. You don't move fast enough and you hear her head make contact with the bleachers before you can reach her. You're shoving Finn out of the way as he looks on with wide eyes, not even trying to help her. You would strangle him right now but you just made a painstakingly awful mistake and you were taught to right your wrongs before your act on your emotions about them. Monty isn't as slow or weak as you thought and he's moving her body to the floor trying not to move her head too much in fear he may cause permanent damage. And now you're unreasonably angry. You're angry because she's still easily the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, even with blood dripping from her nose and her eyes wrenched closed in pain. You're angry because her gym shorts are bunched around her thighs right now and it's hard to focus on her nose spewing blood when she has the most luscious looking legs on display for all of the lackwits in the gym to see. You're angry because she wasn't looking at you. If Finn hadn't moved at the last second you wouldn't have missed his big head and nasty, shaggy hair. And all of a sudden you're not angry, you're queasy because you did this. You marred yet another perfect surface with your unsteady hands and rough touch. Looking down at Clarke as she tries to tilt her head to stop the blood flow, you're reminded of why you can't keep lovely things but you want to. God do you want to keep her. You know, for hatred purposes. You settle for bending down and tracing your fingers over her knee gently to gain her attention. You weren't prepared for the glare this earns you. This isn't the Clarke who looks at you like you are goodness and love. You don't know this Clarke. _But did you ever really know the other one either?_ You try not to show your displeasure at such thoughts and instead focus on steadying your breathing. Once she realizes it's you though her face visibly softens.

"Put your arms around my shoulders."

You command leaving no room for arguments. She does so anyway,

"No, then you'd have blood all over your shirt too."

This hurts because even when you've done everything wrong and she should hate you, she is still considerate and you know you don't deserve it.

"You may be concussed. I would rather not risk it if you are and I have other shirts. Now please, Clarke. Put your arms around my shoulders."

You request once more. She looks like she wants to argue further but you relax in relief when she reaches up and holds out her arms for you. You could have never guessed how much this sight would affect you but you push those feelings away because she doesn't need someone like you in her life, dimming her light would be a crime worthy of being punishable by death. You move closer and place one arm behind her back and the other under her knees.

"Ready?"

You whisper trying not to inhale her flowery perfume. You hate that she smells like a freshly blossomed meadow of wild flowers. The only thing off about it is the unmistakable metallic smell of blood. You pretend it doesn't make you want to turn and run as far away as possible.

"Ready."

She whispers back and you mentally scowl because nobody should sound like that when they look like they just came out of a slasher flick. You sigh and lift her easily. Her arms tighten around your shoulders and you hate the way the heat seeps through your shirt and under your skin, spreading into your blood stream.

"Tell Coach Indra I'm taking Clarke to the nurse. If I'm not back before the period ends you know my locker combination, I'll meet you out by my car."

You say to Anya who hasn't left your side since you horribly injured Clarke. She nods in reply and you immediately take off towards the nurses office. You try to slow your heart rate when you feel Clarke rest her head against your neck.

"Don't go to sleep, Clarke."

You state gently trying to coax her into opening her eyes.

"This is just a dream anyway."

She mumbles against your neck. You shake your head,

"No, Clarke. I very much did just spike a ball into your face and you very much did fall into the bleachers."

She gives a small giggle at this.

"Yeah that part hurt. A lot."

You don't reply. You hate that you feel bad. It's almost as bad as the guilt you felt the first time you lied to your Uncle Gus. It was the first time he asked if you were okay after everything that had happened and you had mechanically responded with a rehearsed sounding, _'I'm fine.'_ You weren't then and you still aren't now. Your jaw clenches and you force the warmth that had slipped past your walls out once again. You are stone for a reason. You remind yourself repeatedly of the pain you're capable of causing and you're right back to where you were before the fallen star in your arms lit up your darkened world. Stars belong in the sky not on the ground. You arrive at the nurses office and walk Clarke towards one of the hospital like cots in the room. The woman you assume is the nurse who had been previously sitting in her office rushes over. Clarke whines a little when you try to pull away and you want to cry because you have to let her go.

"You're going to be okay, Clarke. But you have to let go."

The words taste like poison on your tongue. You swallow them down regardless. This is what you are fated to do every time without fail. You've died a thousand deaths but it never gets easier.

"I don't want to."

She counters pouting and grasping a handful of your now bloodied shirt in her small hands. The nurse is speaking now though and gently pulling at the only tether your heart has to this retched excuse of a planet,

"What happened? Clarke honey, I need you to let go of her shirt so I can see your face."

Clarke groans.

"Only if she stays."

The nurse looks to you and you sigh in defeat.

"I'll stay and we were playing volleyball in gym. She wasn't looking, I accidentally spiked it in her face. She went down pretty hard and hit her head on the bleachers."

You explain because you're pretty sure Clarke has a mild concussion based on everything she's said and done since you picked her up. The nurse hums in understanding and pulls out a flashlight and proceeds to examine her. Clarke's hands had moved from around your shoulders when you agreed to stay but you feel her sliding the fingers of one hand in between the spaces of yours. You want to rip your hand away but that would raise too many questions and even though you hate the way her hand feels like warm silk in yours, you allow it to stay. The nurse finishes her examination and asks,

"Was her nose bleeding before or after she hit her head?"

"Before, it started bleeding after the ball made contact."

The nurse seems relieved so you are too. Hopefully that means it's not as bad as it looks. She gets up and wets a cloth, moving back over to Clarke and wiping away the blood. There's a small open cut on her nose but it doesn't look broken and you're even more relived when the nurse voices that it is indeed not broken but will most likely be sore for a couple of days. Her probing had made Clarke flinch and you subconsciously started to smooth your thumb over the top of her hand. She had relaxed immediately and didn't flinch again. The nurse took out a bandaid and applied it to the cut stating with finality,

"Okay. You're all done."

She turns to you then and hands you a list of symptoms of severe concussions.

"If she develops any of these she needs to go to the hospital immediately. She shouldn't sleep for more than a few hours at a time. I'd recommend waking her every two to three hours. Ibuprofen will be her new best friend for the next couple of days. I'll notify her parents, do you mind waiting with her for a few more minutes?"

She inquires already moving back towards her office. You don't know why she has entrusted you with this piece of factual paper. It's not like you're the one who will be taking care of her. You fold the slip of paper and stick it into your back pocket anyway. You shake your head and turn to look at Clarke. She's already looking at you and you frown.

"What?"

Your voice is tight and you're slightly annoyed at her staring once again.

"Why do you hate me so much?"

Her question shocks you into silence. Of course she noticed you hate her. You treat her like the scum of the earth every chance you get. What are you supposed to tell her? That you hate her because she is happiness? That would only sound stupid. You grind your teeth and move to pull your hand out of hers. She holds on tighter. There's a fire in her eyes but rain in her heart. When she blinks a second later the flames are gone and all that's left is smoke. She releases your hand and you almost take hers back. You think she deserves an honest answer to her question. Hopefully she doesn't remember any of this later on. If you can't give her what she needs maybe you can at least give her this one small truth she wants,

"Because,"

You inhale sharply not wanting to ruin this with the cowardice that threatens to grasp onto your words and strangle them down.

"You are quicksand in my heart and water in my lungs. You are lightning in my brain and thunder in my soul. But I never asked for this."

Clarke's mouth hangs open. She doesn't look away for a single second and you think maybe she will remember this after all. You want to cry because you haven't felt this light in years but the heaviness returns to your shoulders moments later when the nurse walks back into the room.

"I've called your father, he'll be here in ten minutes. You can go back to class Lexa."

She doesn't notice the tension clouding the air. She doesn't see the way Clarke is looking at you like you're shattered glass she can put back together. You turn and leave before you suffocate on all the words you didn't say. You don't turn around when you hear Clarke call your name. You don't stop until you're out of the school entirely and leaning against your car inhaling deeply and trying to slow your breathing. You couldn't go back. You turned your back on her and walked away. That's what you do best after all. Maybe now she'll give up whatever it is she's trying to do. You hate the way you hope she never does.


	3. Catch Me If You Can

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anya and Raven are adorable nerds, Lexa is still a bundle of contradicting emotions, Gustus is an embarrassing yet concerned father figure, Abby knows something nobody else does, Jake is dad goals, Clarke makes a lot of mistakes, and Finn makes the briefest of appearances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry about the lateness of this chapter but I'll try to be better about updating in the future. Also, many thanks to all those who have commented and liked this story so far. I hope y'all stick around to see where this goes!

**Lexa**

_"Sleep baby sleep. What are you waiting for? The morning's on its way. You know it's only just a dream. Oh sleep baby sleep, I lie next to you. The beauty of this mess is that it brings me close to you"_

**Sleep Baby Sleep- BROODS**

 

* * *

 

Anya finds you on the hard pavement next to your car hugging your knees to your chest. You almost whimper when she tugs your hands away and pulls your shoulders forward as she embraces you. The soft calming circles she rubs into your back help you to relax immensely and once again you're grateful for your best friend.

"You know I have to ask Lexa, did you mean to hit Clarke? Because a lot of people don't think it was an accident since you don't particularly hide your dislike for her and all."

You hold back the bile rising up in your throat at the sheer thought of doing something so damaging on purpose, especially to someone so undeserving of being hurt in such a way. You weakly mumble out an answer regardless of the tightness in your throat making you feel like you're choking,

"I could never do that Anya, you know that. It was an accident. I thought I was squared up but I guess I miscalculated. There was nothing I could do..."

You trail off when the hard truth of those words sinks in. This isn't the first time there was nothing you could do but the casualties of the last time still haunt you, even with your eyes wide open. All too soon, you feel her pulling away. Then, she's standing up while holding her hand out for you to take.

"I know. I'm glad we got that sorted out. Now come on, get your shit together, Lex. I may or may not have set up a study date with Raven with the added promise of a ride to Clarke's afterwards since apparently her dad has said to give her a couple hours to sleep some of the pain off."

You balk at your best friend, who just so happens to also live with you, realizing that this means you'll have to watch them make goo-goo eyes at one another for the next few hours. If hurting Clarke didn't already make you sick to your stomach, the thought of the next few hours surely did. You comply reluctantly, taking her offered hand along with a few deep breaths to cleanse your mind of wide blue eyes and narrowed brown ones, just for good measure. Raven comes strutting over a couple of minutes later but she doesn't stop at the door to the back of your car like you were expecting. Instead, she continues walking straight into your personal space with a menacing look and a raised, incriminating finger in your face,

"If you so much as look at Clarke the wrong way again after that stunt you just pulled, I'll kick your ass. Got it?"

All you can do is nod because she has every right to be mad at you right now. She doesn't know that at this point, nothing she says will make you feel any worse than you already do but you don't voice this fact. You can feel the pain of all that you've done rippling beneath your flesh again but you ignore it like you always do, opting instead to climb into the driver's seat and drive away. The cab of your car is filled with the awful sound of loud silence and the tension is practically palpable. You won't be the one to break the quite though so you remain focused on driving. After about five minutes of driving you catch Anya, on several occasions, sneaking peeks at the brooding brunette in the back. You smile to yourself at this little game of back and forth they have going on because she is completely obvious in her staring but also completely oblivious to the fact that you also catch Raven staring at her when you glance into the rear view mirror. Today may have been awful for you (and Clarke), but at least it seems to have finally brought the two lovesick dorks, already making goo-goo eyes in your car, together. When you finally make it home you watch with wide eyes as Anya practically sprints out of the passenger seat and makes a beeline straight to Raven's door, opening it as though the confident girl is royalty. When Raven laughs and thanks her you roll your eyes and walk inside yelling out a greeting to your uncle,

"We're home! Anya brought company, girl company!"

You dash away before Anya can throw her backpack at you but you hear the tell-tale thud of her binders on the hardwood floor only moments after you've safely escaped. Gustus is aware of Anya's crush on Raven (curtesy of you of course), so it's only natural he and you have a running bet about when she'll finally realize her feelings are reciprocated. Your uncle thinks she'll realize a month before graduation, you're betting on way sooner. You stay hidden behind the corner to the hallway leading to your room so you can at least catch one of the embarrassing things you know your uncle is bound to say to the fiery brunette who just threatened you not even fifteen minutes ago. Over the past few years he has become somewhat of a father figure to the both of you even though he's had his hands full with Lincoln as well. When he found out Anya was a runaway from the foster system he didn't even hesitate to take her in, her being your best (and only) friend served to make it easier to assimilate her into your daily lives. You smile to yourself at the thought before you finally hear it,

"You weren't lying Anya, she's as beautiful as you said she was. I'm impressed."

The booming laughter and inevitable groan that follow the statement cause you to chuckle. Unfortunately, this only makes them aware of your presence and your uncle is speaking once again in the same teasing tone her just used on Anya.

"I'm still waiting to finally meet the girl whom our dear Lexa believes hung the moon and the stars. What'd you say her name was again, Anya? Claire? Clara? Claudia? Hmm... Oh that's right, it's Clarke! How silly of me. Guess my memory's just not what it used to be."

You would laugh at his antics if his comment wasn't like a cold splash of water in the face reminding you of the reality of your feelings. You hate that she's found a way into your home as well. She wasn't happy with just taking up entirely too much space to be healthy in your brain. You hate that she's unknowingly being selfish and invading the one place you thought was safe from her presence. _This_ is exactly why you rarely extract yourself from your room when at home. You hate being questioned and reminded of how close you are to being weak. Love is weakness after all. It's not a luxury you can afford, ever. Besides, you know it's not real. Not after the night that changed your life. Not after you were thrown into adulthood way sooner than you should have been. You brush off the comment and instead reply back in your usual, unemotional tone,

"Come get me when it's time to leave. I'll be studying in my room."

The laughter that had followed the previous comment ceases immediately and you can practically see the frown on your uncle's face in your mind's eye before you turn and hurry off to your room, effectively cutting you off from the truths that claw at your heels and scream into the vast openness of your chest. You've weakened your walls as of late and that's no good. You need solitude and some good music to remind yourself of all you have lost and all that you are capable of losing. This is what you know how to do best. _This is strength_ , you remind yourself with a sigh as you shed your clothing after realizing you've spent entirely too much time in the filthy garments. When you catch sight of Clarke's blood staining what used to be your favorite gym shirt lying in a heap on the floor, you're rushing off to the bathroom to empty the contents of your stomach before you can do anything else. Walking back into your room with a towel in hand and minty fresh breath curtesy of your mouthwash, you drop the towel over the shirt as though it is poisoned. After you change into a pair of shorts and simple black shirt, you return to the towel and pick it up, ever so cautious as to avoid having a repeat of before. When you enter the kitchen you see your uncle leaning against one of the counters rubbing at his eyes tiredly with on big, rough hand. Anya and Raven are sitting slightly too close to be considered friendly at the dining room table giggling like school girls about something in their textbooks. Anya glances up when she hears you walk in and her eyes shine with understanding when she sees you step on the latch to open the trash can and discard the bloodied shirt inside. She gives you a small, forced smile. You don't return the sentiment but you know Anya will not take it personally, that's just how you are. You don't say a word to your uncle but you know he saw you because you hear heavy footsteps following close behind you as you leave the kitchen. When you reach your room you walk in and cross your arms around your chest in a display of defensiveness before turning to face him. He looks exhausted and sad and your heart clenches painfully at the sight of the bags hanging heavily underneath his eyes. _You did this to him_ : he was living a happy, normal life with his own family before you came along and ruined everything. You took one of the few things he loved with all his heart away from him and even if he has forgiven you for your sins, you will never forgive yourself. You almost miss what he says while you're locked in your thoughts.

"Anya told me what happened in gym. I'm so sorry Lex, if I had known I would have kept my big mouth shut."

He rubs his hands together nervously as you wait for him to continue.

"We heard you throwing up. I thought you had overcome that reaction so I asked Anya what happened. She told me you went a whole forty-five minutes in bloody clothes for that girl. Lexa that's-"

You cut him off quickly,

"No, not for her, for myself. I'm fine, Uncle Gus. And I probably just ate something bad at lunch. I'm fine, really."

You're lying again but he can't know why. You give him your best fake smile and he must either take the bait or he decides to give you some space, either way he sighs and pulls you against his burly chest.

"I love you kid, you know that right?"

He whispers against your hair. You don't trust your voice so you just nod. When he pulls away and closes the door behind him, you finally break down and cry. Thankfully, you've mastered the art of the quiet cry. _You don't deserve to be loved_. You cry for the one you couldn't save, you cry for the one you could, you cry for the one you didn't want to save, and lastly you cry for yourself. It feels so wrong to cry for things you can't control. You feel guilty and selfish for even thinking about yourself right now but you can't help it. If this is weakness, you allow yourself to be weak, if only for a moment. You don't know when you fell asleep after that but you wake up to pounding on your door and Anya's voice yelling at you,

"Lexa, get up! Mr. Griffin just called Raven and said she can see Clarke now. Hurry up before she storms in there and drags you out. You and I both know she will."

You groan in response feeling weighed down with sleep and all that you must carry inside your heavy heart. When you finally make it outside you see Raven and Anya waiting patiently by your car. You can tell Raven is deep in thought because she hasn't yelled at you to hurry up or made a sarcastic comment about how long it took you to finally arrive. You don't question this little reprieve from guilt and instead unlock your car. Upon entering you realize you don't know where Clarke lives but before you can fully turn around to ask Raven for directions, a phone is being thrust into your face with Google Maps opened and an address already added. You don't say anything but you do take the offered cellular device and quickly glance at it, committing it to memory in a matter of a few seconds. When you turn to hand it back to the quiet girl in the backseat you're met with a raised eyebrow.

"I have a really good memory."

Is your only reply before you start the ignition and pull away from your house. You've never imagined what Clarke's house would look like, but if you had, it would definitely be almost exactly what's in front of your eyes. You hate that you would have been right. The lawn is mowed and looks to be immaculate much like all the other houses in this neighborhood. There is a small flower garden pressed against the left front region of the two-story house mixed with some flowers that are hanging on to life by sheer willpower and others that are completely dead. Instead of a fence blocking nosy neighbors, there are large, trimmed shrubs on either side. The sidewalk leading up to a set of three stairs painted white is lined with stones that seem to fit together perfectly. You can make out a porch swing and a line of rain boots from your position in the car. The house itself is painted some shade of brown you can't quite name. It's not light enough to be tan but it's also not dark enough to be sepia. You think it may be khaki but you remember you don't really care and you wonder why it mattered in that moment at all. It's not like you expected her house to be light blue like the tint of her eyes when it's a particularly bright, cloudless day and all that's visible is a bright expanse of never ending blue, because you hate that color. When Raven knocks on the passenger window to get your attention it takes all your effort to not jump straight up.

"You coming, Commander?"

She asks, but you can't help but feel like it's a demand. That doesn't stop you from going on with your answer though,

"No, I think I'll sit this one out."

The _'I've already done enough today'_ goes unspoken but you think she got the hint because she shrugs before going over and linking arms with a very flustered looking Anya. You wish you had it in you to smile and be happy for your friend but you're still exhausted, especially mentally. As you're waiting in your car with your eyes closed and your hands wrapped tightly around the steering wheel, you let your mind wander to the past. You're about to start hyperventilating when another knock on your car window drags you from your misery. Standing beside the passengers door you see a woman who looks vaguely familiar giving you a small smile. Her eyes look as haunted as you feel but still somehow strong and knowing. The set of her mouth into a thin line after she had gained your attention reminds you of yourself and you find yourself rolling down the window to speak to the mystery woman. She greets you first,

"Hi, I couldn't help but notice your arrival. Do you mind if I..."

She trails off motioning to the empty seat. You immediately shake your head and remember your manners when addressing your elders.

"Oh, not at all Miss, uhm..."

This time it's you who is trailing off as you realize you don't actually know who she is. She smiles at you and you briefly feel a sense of déjà vu, like you've seen it somewhere before. She has opened the door and climbed inside your car, adjusting herself into a comfortable position before she replies,

"Griffin. It's Misses Griffin actually but you may call me, Abby. I'm Clarke's mom. And you are?"

"Sorry."

Is your immediate reply because, well it's the truth. You are sorry. You're sorry for hurting her daughter, and getting her name wrong, and not realizing sooner that she was the girl you hated's mother simply because Clarke shares so many of her mannerisms with the small woman sitting beside you. Abby lets out a small laugh that sounds nothing like the loud, hearty one you hear (and hate), come from her daughter on a daily basis.

"You don't look much like a 'Sorry'. You do however, look a lot like the girl Clarke has described countless times. It's Lexa, correct?"

You sit there with your mouth open, unable to respond because of course you knew Clarke has a crush on you but you never once thought she talked so openly about you to her parents: let alone that she talks about you enough to make you identifiable even though you've never seen this woman before now. You hate that she gets to talk to her parents about crushes and sexuality and ask for help on her homework when she needs it. You hate that you're jealous she is happy and that she has little pieces of her mother in her. You hate that Abby is looking at you like Clarke did only a few hours earlier from her spot on the nurse's cot that you put her in, except she's looking at you like this for a different reason.

"You may not remember me, but I remember you. You were a lot smaller when I first saw you but you had that same look in your eyes you do right now."

She points at your face with a long, withering finger before continuing to break you,

"This isn't your fault, you know that right? Accidents happen, and Clarke is going to be just fine."

You turn away from her because you can't stand to look in her eyes as she says the words you were dreading to hear. You're starting to hate her too. _It must be a family thing,_ you think. She sighs and pats you on the thigh before opening the door she came through to leave. She stops before she is fully out and turns back towards you with that same stupid smile on her face.

"You should come back later, Lexa, see for yourself."

You don't reply but you do watch her walk into the khaki brown house and you hate how you've already made up your mind to come back. Anya and Raven exit the house ten minutes later and you waste no time in dropping Raven off at her house. You don't know who's more surprised when she leans forward from her seat in the back and quickly pecks Anya on the cheek mumbling out an even quicker _'thank you'_ to you before she's darting into her house like she's on fire. You glance over at Anya after making sure Raven made it inside okay and see she has a hand to that same cheek and looks like she may combust at any moment. You laugh freely and watch Anya turn to look at you with with still shocked eyes and blushing cheeks,

"She kissed me."

She says lamely and you can't help the second fit of laughter this causes. Anya, your usually articulate and composed best friend, looks as lovesick as they come in this moment and you're happy she's happy. It suits her quite well in your opinion. 

"On the cheek you loser. Don't act all surprised, I told you she liked you."

You manage to say as you struggle to catch your breath from all the laughing. Your teasing snaps her out of her daze and she punches your arm hard enough to be threatening, but soft enough to let you know she's not truly offended.

"Take us home, jackass."

She's smiling as she says this and you are too as you happily oblige. When you get home you immediately head to your room. You need some time to think about what you're going to say to Clarke if she's awake when you go back. _Do you apologize for damaging her annoyingly pretty face? Do you ask if she remembers what you said in the nurses office? Do you say anything at all?_ You spend a good hour thinking about it when you realize you should probably get a move on before it gets too late and you don't have time to do anything at all. You yell that you're going out to your uncle who is sitting in the living room watching some show on food network and he huffs in response waving his hand distractedly in response. You leave before you can change your mind. True to your word, your memory serves you well and you're right back in front of Clarke's horribly colored house. This time though, you build up enough nerve to make it to her front door. Before you can change your mind, your fist makes the decision to stay and you give three hard knocks. You're not even surprised when you come face to face with the man who opens the door. He couldn't be more like his daughter if he tried: his smile is as illuminating as the blonde's, the color of his eyes and the way they crinkle around the edges from smiling so hard is often times replicated perfectly on Clarke's own face, even the way he stands just screams 'Clarke'. Clarke may have gotten the majority of her mannerisms from her mother, but she is definitely her father's daughter.

"You must be Lexa."

He opens the door wider and motions for you to come in. You take a deep breath and step inside before you can change your mind and run as far away as possible. You glance around the open entry way and if the outside of Clarke's house was everything you expected, than this was everything you didn't expect. The whole floor is carpeted, including the winding staircase leading upstairs. There is a high ceiling dining room directly to the right and a set of comfy looking couches to the left. These things aren't what make the interior so unexpected though, it's the brightness pouring off the walls and littering the entire house that makes your eyes go wide. Scattered across the walls, the floor, table tops, and shelves, is so much art you feel like you just walked into a museum. The mediums range from abstract clay figures to spot-on acrylic portraits. Some pieces are so small they almost blend into the walls while others are so large they seem to take up more space than you. The styles range from childlike to what looks to be professionally done pieces and you can't help but stare in wonder at the beautiful sight before you. Your hungry eyes sweep every available space and drink it all in. You've never been good at artsy things but Anya loves ceramics and anything involving clay so you're not a stranger to it, but in this moment you're sure what sits before your eyes is the eighth wonder of the world. Clarke's dad smiles as he watches you take it all in.

"This is amazing Mr.Griffin. Where did you find all this stuff?"

He laughs that same, boisterous laugh you hear so often from Clarke and squeezes your shoulder.

"Please, you can call me Jake, and we didn't find any of it."

His smile tells you he knows something you don't and you can't help but take the bait,

"Then where did you get all of this?"

You didn't think his smile could get any wider but you're proven wrong as you watch it stretch further across his cheeks.

"From this very house."

You raise your eyebrows at this. _They bought this house with all of these works of art already in it? It must have cost them a fortune._

"You bought it with all of this? Why would anyone want to part from all of this beautiful work?"

You ask incredulously. He shakes his head as though you are a naive young child and that's exactly what you feel like at the moment. You literally have to fight the urge to pout and you don't remember a time you ever felt this young, not even as a child.

"She'd probably run away and hide in her room if she heard you call her work beautiful. And she would definitely never part with any of these. But she won't have to worry about that until after you guys graduate anyway."

The gears begun to click in your head and you feel embarrassingly stupid. _Of course this all belongs to Clarke._ Looking at the larger pieces you can now see the initials C.G written in neat cursive letters in random places. You hate that she's so talented you actually thought some of it was professionally done.

"Clarke made all of this?"

It's more a statement than a question because you already know the answer but Jake is still smiling with a proud glint in his eyes and he replies anyway,

"She sure did. My little girl is gonna be a famous artist some day. Speaking of Clarke, her room is up the stairs and directly down the hallway. It's the very last door straight ahead. I don't know if she's awake but you're welcome to go see her anyway. Abby and I will be down here so feel free to give a shout if you need anything."

You nod and watch as he walks through an open doorway between the stairs and dining room. You're alone now and it's the perfect opportunity to escape unnoticed but once again, your body responds first and you're already halfway up the staircase before you even realize it. Of course there is more art up here as well but what catches your attention this time is something completely different: to the right immediately after the last step, there is an open room that is home to another couch, a tv, lots of child toys including a rocking horse, pink princess castle, and a load of dinosaurs, but the most impressive thing, taking up the entire back wall, is a built-in book case filled with books. Your heart is full of longing just looking at all the options but you remind yourself you're here for a reason. You'll be in and out in a matter of minutes. You just have to make sure what Abby said earlier is true then you'll be free of this awful guilt. You make your way towards her room slowly. You've started to notice the closer you get, the more personal and detailed the art gets. You notice a painting of Raven, Octavia, Finn, and a boy you think you recognize as Octavia's older brother all smiling and in different poses sitting on a beach. It almost makes you smile but the next one is of just Finn's profile looking out towards the sea and you're reminded of his disgusting remarks from earlier and wonder briefly if that was the day he was talking about when he claimed the girls had undressed in front of him. You stop looking at the pictures after that, afraid you'll get even more angry and do something stupid, like set the painting of his horrible face on fire. Clarke would never forgive you for ruining her artwork though. _Not that you care or anything_. You sigh to yourself as you push open the door Jake identified as Clarke's room. Somehow you're still surprised when you see her walls are decorated from floor to ceiling in just sketches and paintings. You walk in a little further and look around in awe for a bit before you stop breathing completely. On the left hand side of the doorway is a vanity style desk with three large mirrors full of pictures, ticket stubs, and other small paper keepsakes. This isn't what makes your heart go from 0 to 100 though: the wall behind it is. It's full of _you_. Well, parts of you anyway. There's at least a dozen sketches of your eyes staring back at you. One is of your hair the day Anya braided it extra nicely for yearbook photos. Another couple are of your lips, pulled down in a frown, straight mouthed, and slightly pulled upwards in a smile that never quite reaches your eyes. Nobody else would probably think anything of these sketches, writing them off as some random person Clarke probably saw at the park or in the grocery store but you know it's you. _How could you not recognize your own facial features staring back at you?_ The way Clarke has captured small things about you almost makes you feel beautiful and immortal. Even if you die, you'll live on forever in these scattered images that are separate yet form a whole at the same time. You hate the way this thought calms your mind and makes your heart ache at the same time. You pull your eyes away and they immediately settle on Clarke's sleeping form. She looks so beaten and broken you can feel your stomach churning. You walk closer and examine her face. You can't help yourself and since she's asleep anyway she will never have to know, so you gently cup her face in your hands. It feels like happiness and hope as you rub your thumbs over her cheeks in a soft caress. She's smiling in her sleep as you allow your hands to memorize her features, and you've never known what home feels like but you think you may have just figured it out. She opens her mouth and speaks and your heart drops into your stomach when you hear her murmur three little words you know aren't meant for you. She probably thinks you're someone else and you hate the overwhelming feeling of sadness that washes over you at this realization. Your hands stop their roaming and you know you'll regret it later but you can't resist, you lean forward and press a feather light kiss to her forehead. You hate the way your heart thuds happily, appeased at your mindless action. You hate the way your lips don't feel the same when they're no longer touching her skin. You hate the way your eyes burn with unshed tears as you pull away from the sleeping girl beneath you. But most of all, you hate the way she makes you feel weak. You don't stick around after that. When you reach the bottom of the stairs, Jake is waiting graciously with that same smile that never seems to fade still resting happily on his face. You think he must have heard you coming down the stairs and how kind it is for him to see you out.

"Thank you for stopping by, Lexa. I'm assuming Clarke is asleep by the shortness of your visit but I'm sure she'll be thrilled to know you were here when she wakes up."

You shake your head as you whisper,

"Actually could you not tell her I came by? I... Just please don't tell her I was here."

You know this makes you a coward but you can't afford to be any more weak than you already are. Jake's eyes change from happy to solemn and understanding. You wonder what Abby has told him about you but you don't question it out loud. He nods once softly before walking you to the front door.

"See you around kiddo."

He smiles again as he waves you through the door and into the night. You give him a small smile in return and allow yourself to think that having a father like Jake Griffin wouldn't be so bad but you immediately feel disgusted with yourself for having such a thought and all but run to your car. Your demons ride shotgun the entire way home and tuck themselves under your covers with you, holding you tightly all through the night. You find comfort in their cold embrace and are lulled to sleep by whispers of the hateful words you know you deserve.

* * *

 

** Clarke **

_"Say something, I'm giving up on you. I'll be the one if you want me to. Anywhere, I would've followed you. Say something, I'm giving up on you."_

**Say Something- A Great Big World**

 

* * *

 

You lose count of how many times rough hands shake you awake. You don't quite remember what happened but you do know that you're getting increasingly more frustrated every time your slumber is interrupted and your dreams of striking greens and muted browns fades away and light burns your eyes. Time doesn't exist for you right now, only jigsaw dreams of beauty and stone somehow intermingling. You wake on your own once to whispers near wherever it is you happen to be. You brush it off and almost fall back asleep until you hear two voices you recognize.

"It was an accident Raven. She would never intentionally hurt anyone. Especially not her."

 _Is that Anya? When did she get here? More importantly, is Lexa with her?_ You risk a peek using all your effort to keep your eyes open, wondering for a second why it's so hard to get your left eye open any further. It's a wasted effort when your eyes only find Raven and Anya. You want to ask where Lexa is and what happened but you're not blind and you know a moment in the making when you see it. Anya is gently cradling Raven's hand in one of hers. Her other hand rests on your friend's cheek and the tilt of Raven's head into her palm makes you want to smile but then they might notice you were not as asleep as they assumed so you refrain from doing so.

"I know but look at her face, Anya!"

Raven angrily whispers back.

"She looks like shit and she has a concussion!"

Your eyes snap shut quickly so they remain unaware you can hear everything they're saying. You absorb this new information and realize it explains why your father has been waking you up so often and why your head throbs and you feel your heartbeat echoing in your skull. Unfortunately, you also become aware of a sharp pain radiating throughout your face starting near the center. It feels like someone punched you straight in the nose with everything they had. It takes a lot of effort for you to resist the urge to suck in a sharp breath. You hear a sigh and assume it's from Anya because then she's speaking again,

"I know, but after she took Clarke to the nurse's office and school was over, I talked to her before you arrived. She told me it was an accident and she wasn't set up right is all. Clarke was just unfortunate enough to be in the ball's direct path. I was actually expecting it to hit Collins which would have been hilarious. Today just wasn't her lucky day, okay?"

You know it's Raven who's sighing now as she mumbles her reply,

"Yeah, okay. She could have at least come inside though after almost killing one of my best friends."

You don't know what happens after that because you fall back into a restless sleep trying not to cry because even though she's the reason you're in this position in the first place, she _still_ doesn't want to see you. You wish you knew why she hated you. When you dream of sinking into quicksand, drowning in water, and braving a storm you're more than a little confused.

The next time you wake you don't even bother opening your eyes, figuring it's your mom this go-around because after you come to a little more, you feel soft hands cupping your face and rubbing soothing circles into your cheeks and just like that you forget the pain. It feels like the hands have absorbed it all and you're grateful so you give a small smile. The hands are now tracing your face in the most delicate of touches as though you are breakable. Your mother must have been scared when she found out. _She is probably analyzing the damage done and thinking of what medicines she needs to pick up._ You missed her taking care of you even if your relationship isn't what it used to be she's still your mother and you love her. You decide to tell her so in your sleepy state and hope she can hear,

"I love you."

It comes out soft and you're happy she heard, or at least you assume she did because her roaming hands have stopped. The touch of her hands is replaced with that of soft lips ghosting over your forehead. Her lips are different from what you remember but then again, it's been over ten years since she's even kissed your cheek. She's gone after that and your sleep isn't filled with nightmares anymore. You have no idea that your mom has been in the living room with your father watching reruns of Master Chef. You have no idea cold eyes turned warm for you. You have no idea you cried for nothing. She came back for you after all and you are hopelessly oblivious.

You're allowed to return to school after another a day of rest but the doctor's note in your backpack states you aren't allowed to participate in gym which is fine by you since you never really do anyway. What's not fine is the way Lexa avoids you like the plague. You cringe every time you see her braided hair flying wildly behind her quickly retreating form. You wonder how she makes running away look so horribly beautiful. It's by some strange stroke of luck that when you exit the bathroom stall before heading to lunch, Lexa is just entering the bathroom. You stare at her with so many words wanting to spill from the tip of your tongue, like how you love the way she visibly cringes and takes a step back and away from you, no matter how twisted it may seem. Her eyes betray her movements and you're thankful you've spent so long memorizing what each of her looks mean because right now she has the gall to look guilty and repulsed at the same time. You don't miss the way her eyes flicker down to your swollen, bruised nose or the way they skim a second too long over your equally swollen black eye. You tried your best to cover the bruises but concealer only goes so far. Before she can run away again you cross your arms and step in the way of the door, blocking her from retreating.

"You could have come in on Monday, you know. It is kinda your fault I look like this right now."

You say only partially joking. There's a hint of anger in your voice that doesn't go unnoticed by her. Her jaw tenses and her eyes return to impassive. You fight the urge to swoon at her distracting jawline.

"I didn't want to intrude. Besides, I don't owe you anything, Clarke. You're not my responsibility. I took you to the nurse, ensured you had no broken bones, and I left like the Good Samaritan I am. I was merely Raven's ride over there, nothing more."

You never thought you'd ever be mad at the frustratingly ethereal girl standing in front of you but apparently there's a first time for everything.

"What the fuck is your problem? You literally spiked a ball in my face and then have the audacity to say you don't owe me anything? How about an explanation? Or an apology? Or maybe a reason as to why you hate me so much?"

You see a shocked expression cross her perfect face and you're momentarily stunned because your Lexa never looks anything other than confident and cold. You try not to follow the movement of her throat as she gulps, you probably fail but it doesn't matter.

"You don't remember..."

She almost sounds sad, but also relieved if that's possible, and this just further confuses you.

"Remember what? Am I missing something here?"

You watch as her mask slips back into place and you love the way her eyes seem to turn grey along with her mood.

"No. It's nothing. I have to go meet Anya. Goodbye, Clarke."

Your name on her lips is magical. You feel her move to brush past you, but before you can stop yourself, you grab her wrist ensuring she can't flee any further. You open your mouth as though you're going to say something but immediately release her without saying a word. Your mouth is still hanging open at the look on her face when your hand made contact with her skin. Her usually cold eyes looked terrified. When you leave after her a few minutes later you swear she looked like she wanted to cry but that can't be right, _can it?_ Lexa Wilde has never cried. Not even once in the years you've known her. _Why would she start now? What happened in those moments after your memory became blurry? What wasn't she telling you?_ You don't get any answers but you do get an uncomfortable headache. You opt out of eating lunch in the cafeteria, not wanting to further the pounding in your skull with useless staring. You don't really know where to go but your feet seem to do the thinking for you and for once, you're glad you won't be staring at Lexa with longing eyes while she ignores you. Your feet of course have taken you straight to the art room and you would laugh at the irony if it weren't the perfect place to be right now. You know Mr. Wallace doesn't mind you coming in during the lunch hours so you walk in only to wish you hadn't. Finn is sitting on a stool playing with one of his many tiny, metal creatures. He notices your presence immediately and if he were a dog you're sure his ears would have perked up. You may not remember much after getting pummeled in the face with a volleyball but you do remember everything before, including Finn saying he wanted to ask you something. Sadly, there's no wayward volleyballs here to save you from the conversation you know is inevitable now.

"Clarke! Just the girl I wanted to see. Come here, let me see your new battle wounds."

He jokes. You don't laugh but you do move close enough to where you're now about a foot away from him. He reaches out and pulls you by the hand a little too close for your comfort. His hands are on your face before you can protest and even though you've been friends for a while now, something about the way his hands feel rubbing circles into your skin makes you want to cringe. You smile nervously and step back out of his grasp.

"You should see the other guy."

You try to joke and ease the tension you feel clouding your body. It seems to work because he laughs, oblivious to your discomfort.

"I bet you did a real number on him. Is it hurting any?"

He asks sincerely and you're relieved because you're reminded he's still the same worried, caring guy who held your hand while you cried during the backyard funeral of your dog when you were both nine.

"It looks worse than it feels."

He nods and suddenly looks nervous and you know where this is going but you don't try to stop it. Right now you're still slightly angry after your conversation with Lexa and you'll probably regret this later, but you let him ask you the question you know she never will.

"Clarke, I know we've known each other for a while now and I understand if you don't want to ruin our friendship by trying it, but I was wondering if I could take you on a date? Like, a real one with dinner and a movie or to an art museum. We could even just stay in and binge watch Person of Interest like I know you've been dying to do. Whatever you want."

Maybe it's the way his eyes look so hopeful or the vulnerability in his voice, but you find yourself nodding in approval.

"I would like that."

You don't know if it's true or not but it feels like the right thing to say and the explosion of happiness that washes over his face tells you it was.

"Yes! You won't regret this, I promise. So I'll text you later to hash out the details if that's okay?"

You're genuinely smiling now because he seems really excited and you love when people are happy, especially if you have some part in it.

"Sure thing, I'll be in the back working if you need me."

You say to dismiss yourself from the conversation. When you settle in and have visually gone over the details of the forest that is taking form on the large canvas in front of you, you relax and go into your painting zone. You don't come out of it until you hear the bell announcing the end of lunch. You rush to put away your supplies and don't even bother with trying to wash the paint off your hands: you're used to it anyway. Before you leave, you glance over the work you've done so far and feel a strange mix of pride and guilt wash over you as you think about the girl this painting will belong to in a matter of days. You're proud of your skill and how far you've come as an artist, but you can't help the nagging feeling that you're betraying Lexa by agreeing to go on a date with Finn. You shrug it off and chalk it up to the meds your mother had given you before you left for school this morning even though you know it's because your heart belongs to the girl with the cold eyes and angry words. You tell yourself you're better off with someone like Finn, but you know you'll always love the way you can't seem to hate the very person who hates you the most. You have no idea how far from the truth that is but in this moment it doesn't matter. You can't wait around forever for something that's not meant to be, no matter how sure you are that she's your one, your soulmate if you will. After all, nobody ever said your soulmate has to love you back, it's just wishful thinking to hope she'll come around eventually. You could have never anticipated the storm you had just stepped into. You didn't see any of the next few days coming. You had no idea what events lied in wait, looking for their chance to escape. You only noticed when it was far too late to change anything. Nothing would ever be the same again and you were, once again, so painfully unaware.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S If you want to ask me questions, input ideas, become my best friend, or just yell at me, you can find me on tumblr @adoringthesweetthings


	4. Where Do Secrets Go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke tells her parents she has a date with Finn, Finn is nosy, Jake is awesome and sassy, Anya and Raven are devious, Abby and Gustus are just as bad, and Lexa has a date?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even gonna lie, this was supposed to be done weeks ago but then school and life happened and I haven't had the motivation, but this semester is almost over and my classes have a slight lull in them right now so I have time. I'm sorry to the person who messaged me on tumblr asking when I was updating for being so late with this. This chapter is more of filler chapter and more Clarke-centric but the next chapter is where things start picking up. I hope you guys like it and thank you for all the kudos and comments! I live for feedback and I'm glad to see people like this story.

**Clarke**

_"But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all? And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you've been here before? How am I gonna be an optimist about this?"_

**Pompeii-Bastille**

 

* * *

  

The next few days seem to blend together. Finn somehow manages to walk you everywhere and Octavia and Raven tease you about it relentlessly every time he leaves. At first it was a bit annoying, but you were gradually warming up to both Finn's attentiveness and your friends teasing you about it. It almost made up for the lack of mention of Lexa. Her name hadn't left anyone in your immediate friend group's mouth for days and you wish you were okay with it but it had began to bubble under your skin and left you feeling like you were missing something, though Finn was becoming a welcome distraction from it all. He was still just as funny as usual and always nice but lately he had started demonstrating his particular fondness for you in increasingly more obvious ways. He wrapped his arm around your shoulders when he walked with you, made you a necklace with a small, metal two-headed deer on it, texted you good morning and goodnight every day, and he even pretended to not feel well the first day you returned while you were in gym so he could sit by you on the bleachers during class and keep you company. You had laughed when Coach Indra caught on the next day when he used the same excuse and all but dragged him by the hair to the track to run laps for missing the day before. Today is Friday and you and Finn have finally agreed on a time for your first date. School went by faster than usual and you had started on your homework for the weekend already when you decided it was probably time to let your parents know. You walked downstairs feeling more and more nervous the further you got from the comfort of your room. You find them in the kitchen just standing in silence, smiling at each other over cups of tea and you can't wait for the day you get to do that with the person you love. They only look away when they hear you clear your throat.

"Mom, dad... I have a date tonight."

You think it sounds awkward and forced but this is your first time ever saying those words and you can't imagine it sounding any other way. Your dad is grinning widely when he asks,

"So what time is Lexa coming over so I can give her 'the talk'?"

He is still smiling and for a moment you're at a loss for words because you should have seen that one coming. You clear your throat and try not to sound as sad as you feel that your first date won't be with her,

"Um, actually Finn asked me out, not Lexa. He'll be here around six. You're welcome to give him 'the talk' then."

You swear you see your father's face fall a little in disappointment at this but he casually brushes it off.

"Yeah sure thing kiddo."

He kisses your forehead before leaving the room to go play internet chess as per usual. Your mother hasn't said a word and is just kind of staring off into the distance, the cup of tea in her hands frozen in midair and seemingly forgotten.

"Mom? Are you okay?"

You ask gently, settling a hand on her shoulder. She jumps a little at the contact but shakes her head as if to rid herself of whatever it is she was thinking about.

"I'm fine sweetheart. So, Finn huh? When did that start? I thought you were madly in love with Lexa?"

She says it like a joke but you can hear the underlying seriousness in her voice and for once you kind of regret ever telling your parents about your infatuation with the beautiful brunette with the forest in her eyes. You have to convince your tongue to keep those words at bay though and instead go with saying,

"I can't wait around forever for someone who doesn't want to be with me. Besides, Finn is nice and cute and I've known him forever."

Your mother doesn't break eye contact for a single second and you think you see a bit of judgement in her eyes but you don't get the chance to analyze it because she's saying exactly what you don't want to hear,

"Are you trying to convince me or yourself of that honey?"

You would be angry with her if that wasn't exactly what you were trying to do.

"Never mind. Just forget I said anything. I'll be upstairs getting ready if you need me. If Finn gets here early can you please not say anything about Lexa? I mean it mom, I don't want him to think I don't want to go on this date with him."

You give her your best stern look knowing how she loves to meddle in your business. You still haven't forgiven her for that time she called Lexa's house phone looking for said girl but her Uncle Gustus had answered instead. They had talked for hours about you two and were in the process of scheming of ways to get you together when you finally caught on. You had picked up the other landline in the kitchen to order pizza for dinner and heard your mother whispering conspiratorially to Lexa's uncle. You were only able to recognize his voice from the one PTA meeting your mother had forced you to attend where the big, scary looking man had opened the meeting and practically demanded the attention of everyone around him with his alarming volume. It had seemed almost comical at the time that he would be the PTA president but you figured stranger things have happened. They only hung up after you yelled into the receiver for her to stop embarrassing you and to stay out of your love life, but not before agreeing they should definitely have tea soon and discuss PTA things which you assumed was code for you and Lexa.

"I promise I'll behave."

She gives you a small smile before leaving to go watch some cooking show in the living room. You rub your eyes before resigning yourself to getting ready for your date. It only takes you thirty minutes to get ready, shower included, and you think maybe it's a sign because you know for a fact Octavia still takes nearly two hours to get ready for a date with Lincoln and they've been together for years. Plus, your parents always complain about the length of your showers when you get ready to go out somewhere for dinner claiming the restaurant will be closed by the time you're ready or how all the food has probably gone cold by now. You also realize you didn't even really spend much time picking out your outfit like they do in the movies and books. You pretend it's because you've known Finn for so long that you'd feel comfortable wearing practically anything around him. Because you're ready so early, you don't really know what to do with yourself so you do the one thing you probably shouldn't, you begin to think. You're laying on your back in your bed with one arm thrown over you eyes when you start to play back the past week. You really wish you hadn't when you're suddenly bombarded with so much Lexa you regret pushing the thoughts of her away for the past few days. You already asked Mr. Wallace if you could take the painting for Lexa home and he agreed. It's sitting in your closet finished for the most part, it's just missing one little thing that you can't quite put your finger on. You didn't even notice you had almost completed it but you've been coming straight home after school and working on it after you're finished with your homework until your parents call you down for dinner. It only makes sense that your subconscious has found a way to feel close to the brunette when she's never felt so far away. You try to remember when you last made eye contact with her and realize you haven't since the bathroom incident. This makes you gasp and suddenly you're reminded that you never got to draw that look on her face. You had tried to analyze all the potential emotions that look could have been but deep down you know what it was. But your Lexa never looks scared. She's always confident and cold, fierce and secluded, never scared and lonely. You quickly rush over to your desk and fumble around looking for your sketch book and your charcoal pencils.

You're so immersed in drawing out every detail of her eyes perfectly that you don't hear the dinging of your phone alerting you to the message you've received. Ten minutes later you think you finally have that little sparkle of an unshed tear just right so you also miss your mom calling for you downstairs. Three more minutes and you just got the slightly open gasp of her mouth spot on so you miss the sound of your groaning stairs as feet press into them. What you don't miss is the pounding on your door. You don't miss the flinch of your hand against the paper, ruining the wild locks of hair you had just been meticulously drawing out. You don't miss the way your heart hurts at seeing Lexa incomplete and ruined by an unsteady hand. You don't know she has seen herself that way for years already. You rip the page out carefully but before you can hide it away, floppy hair and a bright smile are peeking out from behind your previously closed door.

"Hey, Princess. I figured you must have been in the zone so I thought I'd come up and whisk you away."

You can't help but grin because that is rather sweet but then you remember who you were just zoned out drawing and your palms get a little sweaty. You try to move further in front of it to block his view but Finn has already moved closer and is eyeing your hand pushing the paper so it is hidden behind you and you know he won't let it go. You've known him forever and you usually tell him about everything you're currently working on (except when it involves Lexa) so hiding something from him would of course only make him that much more curious as to what it is.

"Whatcha got there?"

The color drains from your face but you try to play it off.

"Oh nothing much, just a little sketch. But it's not finished yet."

You try as a means of reasoning why you can't show him. He lifts an eyebrow, amused at this and definitely not buying your excuse.

"Come on Clarke, that's never stopped you before. What's the Princess got to hide huh?"

He's moved even closer and your heart is beating increasingly fast with anxiety and it shouldn't be such a big deal to let him see your drawing but this time it is: _this_ time it's a drawing of someone you don't want to share. You don't want anyone else to see Lexa like this. You know it's selfish of you but at one point in time, she was all you had to keep you going everyday. She didn't know it then, but she saved you. She kept your head above the waves when they threatened to steal the air from your lungs and sweep you away. She doesn't remember but you'll never forget. Instead, you try to repay her everyday. You do this by loving her even when she hates you. You can't let her go, not when she has already done so much for you. _You need her_.

Finn reacts as you're lost in your panic and snatches the paper from beneath your fingertips. You hadn't even noticed how close he had gotten. He's smiling triumphantly but before he can turn the paper over and see the drawing, your father saves you.

"I don't wanna have to shoot you Finn, but if you're both not down here in thirty seconds I won't think twice about it."

You hear your mother scold him for it but he's chuckling nonetheless. Finn whips around like he actually believes the idle threat and tosses the paper carelessly to the ground before grabbing your forearm in his now free hand and rushing down the stairs. You barley manage to snatch your phone and wallet off your desk as he drags you away, watching sadly as the page skips across the floor and lands near your bed in finality. When you make it downstairs and your father sees the worried look on Finn's face, he erupts into another fit of laughter earning a punch in the shoulder from your mom who also seems to be holding back a smile.

"I was just teasin' you kid. I know you're nothing if not respectful."

Finn looks sheepish as he releases his hard grip on your arm to rub at his neck. You gently massage the area and you think it will probably bruise. You'd be lying to yourself if you said his grip wasn't a little bit scary but you know he didn't _mean_ to hurt you. This was puppy-dog Finn Collins after all, him purposefully wanting to hurt anyone sounded as ridiculous and unlikely as a kangaroo living in the ocean. Your stomach feels a little funny when this thought doesn't ring with absolute truth. You don't have time to wonder why as your dad begins ushering you out of the door with your mom following closely behind, smiling fondly at his antics.

"See you kids later, have fun, drive safe, have her home at a decent hour. Do you need any money for popcorn or soda pop?"

Your dad babbles on after he has opened the front door and pushed the two of you across the threshold. Finn stops him from reaching into his back pocket for his wallet with a small laugh and the shaking of his hands in front of him while you and your mother simply grin at his use of the term soda pop,

"No sir. I have it all covered. I'll have her home by 10:30?"

The last part comes out as more of a question and your dad laughs while patting Finn's tense looking shoulders.

"I'm not that strict. Besides, it's the weekend and I trust you, 11:30 will do just fine. Anything later than that and I'll be waiting outside with my shot gun."

"You don't have a shot gun."

You say while shaking your head at your father as he pouts and crosses his arms.

"Way to ruin my obligatory protective father speech. You know what, you can keep her."

He jokes in an offended voice as he goes to close the door. Your mom stops him with a laugh while rubbing his back as a means to soothe his fake hurt pride.

"Say goodbye to our daughter, Jake."

"Goodbye to our daughter, Jake."

Your mom punches him in the shoulder once again and you all laugh at your father's sassiness.

"Have fun sweetie. We'll see you later."

He leans forward and presses a kiss to your forehead before pulling back to hold your mom close while Finn takes your hand, gently this time, and walks you to his car. He opens the passenger door for you and you smile briefly as you watch him run around to the drivers side. You spare one last look at your parents and give one final wave as they stand on your porch watching you drive away with a boy you know you'll never love.

* * *

 

** Lexa **

_"When you said your last goodbye, I died a little bit inside. I lay in tears in bed all night, alone without you by my side."_

**All I Want-Kodaline**

 

* * *

  

The next few days drag on in the form of slow days that don't seem to go together at all. You wonder how a week can feel like a month as you try and push through every single day. It's hard enough getting the stink eye from the majority of Clarke's friends, with the exception of Raven, but watching Finn Collins put his filthy hands on her everyday and seeing him make her laugh as you blur into the background of a hall full of people you don't care to know is by far the hardest part about it. You'll never get use to feeling like there are splinters in your heart and lungs, shattering and shredding you from the inside as you watch Clarke move on from the sidelines of a playing field you never attempted to step on. You try to tell yourself that the only reason you feel like throwing up every time arms that aren't yours wrap around her shoulders is because he's not good enough. You try and pretend that if it was anyone else, it'd be okay for them to reach out and brush the loose little wisp that always manages to escape her otherwise immaculate hair behind her ear. You hate that you know exactly why you start avoiding anywhere Clarke is. You hate that she doesn't even seem to notice your absence even though you're not sure you ever really had a presence to her at all in the first place.

The only constant besides the ache in your chest is Anya and Raven. Anya and Raven are a force to be reckoned with and have been talking and hanging out nonstop since Raven's kiss-and-run at the beginning of the week. Raven has been coming over after school everyday and even ate lunch with you and Anya the day you literally ran away from Clarke after she confronted you in the bathroom. The memory of that day still stings behind your eyelids every time you blink. You exchange this memory for the most recent surprise that happened just a little bit before school ended. You were sitting in History when Raven turned around to talk to Octavia, or so you assumed. She had actually looked past the feisty girl and straight at your ducked head.

"Pst, Lexa...Lex."

She had whispered somewhat loudly but you tried your hardest to ignore her calling.

"Yo, Alex. Commander Stone-Eyes. If you don't answer me I'm gonna tell Anya."

You had raised your eyebrows at this after glaring down at your notes when she used those last two names and looked up.

"And why would I be scared of Anya?"

She had smiled brightly at having gotten your attention then gave you a smirk as she shrugged one shoulder,

"I was just running out of things to say to get your attention before I started to throw things at you. Anyway, that's not the point, I just texted Anya and we're going to the movies tonight."

You had just shaken your head and raised your eyebrows again before replying,

"Okay...? No offense, but I really don't care."

She had replied with a shake of her head back at you in response,

"No, I mean all three of us. You're coming."

You had laughed at this before asking,

"And why would I want to third-wheel your date?"

She had smirked again and you were reminded of Anya somehow,

"Because we got you a date."

You had just stared at her for a long while. And, though you would never admit it, you had stopped breathing for a moment and allowed yourself to dream it was with Clarke. You had shaken this thought away immediately after it came to you and continued to stare Raven down. Maybe she was just trying to rile you up or playing a mean joke on you.

"And who would this date happen to be? You are aware I'm extremely gay, right?"

She had laughed and nodded at this.

"Duh, and her name is Tris. She's on the soccer team and has legs to die for. You'll like her."

You had thought about it for a moment and recalled seeing said girl a couple of times before. She was easy on the eyes and seemed nice enough so you had found yourself nodding.

"Fine, but you're buying our popcorn."

Raven had grinned and gave you a mock salute,

"You got it Commander. Anya will give you the rest of the details later. This is gonna be so fun!"

Octavia had been quite up until that moment. When you heard her snort a laugh you were seconds away from asking what was so funny, when her and Raven had started whispering conspiratorially. You had narrowed your eyes at them and you knew something was up but your teacher had changed the slide and you had scrambled to get the notes down before you missed any more.

You were now dressed in your comfiest black sweater that was just nice enough to seem like you were trying to impress and a pair of form fitting blue jeans paired with your black combat boots. Anya had made it a point to personally pick out your clothes for you when you had come down in sweat pants, a hoody, and flip flops at first. You had slapped her hands when she first attempted to do your hair as well. It now fell in soft waves down your back and your makeup was light but looked like you had put time into it. Anya had left after giving you a whistle in approval saying Raven was picking her up but not before giving you the directions to Tris's house and her phone number. She told you when the movie started then was out the door in a flash, excited for her first date. You had chuckled before grabbing your wallet and leaving as well.

You know there's this little flower shop just down the road that you always stop by, so much so the owner knows you by name and what your favorite flowers are, so you decide to stop by and buy some flowers for Tris as sort of a test. You love flowers but if your date doesn't, you know it won't go far at all. You pick out a simple bouquet of Dahlias and smile at Echo, the owner, as you go to pay for them. She raises her eyebrows at your choice and smiles kindly back at you,

"First date flowers huh? Who's the lucky gal?"

Your smile turns bashful at her keen eye and even though you usually hate being questioned because Echo is smart and you respect her you answer her,

"Her name is Tris. My friends set us up so I thought I might as well do this right."

You don't even notice for a second that you used the word ' _friends_ '. Meaning Anya and Raven. You have more than one friend now and somehow, you're okay with this. But something in your voice must have tipped Echo off because she tilts her head to the side a little and gives you a smaller, knowing smile.

"She's not who you really want to be on this date with, is she?"

Echo questions softly and you wonder if she just naturally understands people as well as she does flowers. You give her a sad smile in return as you reply as simply and honestly as you can,

"No."

You don't say anything more and she doesn't push you as she rings you up and gives you a generous discount. You wave goodbye as you leave to pick up a girl you know you'll never love for the first date you hadn't realized you were saving for someone else, also not realizing the fun Raven had been talking about wasn't going to be fun for you at all.

_Across town already pulling into the parking lot of the same movie theater you would be going to, Finn was opening the door for Clarke and helping her out of his beat up old car._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come yell at me for updates on tumblr @adoringthesweetthings


	5. What Have We Become?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa's past is revealed, Finn's true colors are starting to show, Raven and Anya are smitten, Tris is an actual angel, Clarke doesn't eat candy off the floor, and someone gets kicked out of the movies by security.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *WARNING*  
> This chapter is heavy and the archive warnings are there for a reason. There is also mentions of blood, physical/emotional abuse, a mild depiction of sexual assault, and descriptions of death. If any of those things are triggering for you, please DO NOT read this chapter. Your mental health is important. If you would like me to write a brief summary to paraphrase this chapter so you can still follow along with the story, please let me know and I would be happy to do so. As always, thank you to everyone who enjoys this story and leaves kudos and comments.

**Lexa**

_"My demons are begging me to open up my mouth. I need them mechanically make the words come out. They fight me, vigorous and angry, watch them pounce. Ignite me, licking at the flames they bring about."_

**Hold Me Down-Halsey**

 

* * *

  

Your hands are abnormally sweaty so you wipe them against the material of your pants hoping to relieve them of their moisture only to realize your mouth has ironically gone dry. You're tempted to turn your car back on and retreat from the address Anya had given you before she left. You imagine all the possible scenarios in your head: you could call and say you suddenly came down with something, maybe you could pretend your car broke down, or that you were mugged on the way over and the thief stole your wallet (and your pride for thinking of such a stupid excuse). You sigh to yourself because you know none of those would work. Looking down at the flowers in your hand, you begin to second guess everything you've done up until this moment. You had been fine, even a little excited, all the way up until you had parked outside of the plain, white house. Your first thought had been that at least a little hint of color literally anywhere would have been more attractive than the bland white spanning the entire surface of the house, lining and siding included, with the exception of the roof. Your second thought was that a light brown would do wonders to make the house not seem like the inside of a hospital had spit up on it. Your third thought had just been the word 'shit' repeated like a never-ending mantra in your head. Your date hadn't even started yet and here you were thinking about a hurricane of a blonde and the color of her house. You shake your head trying to disperse of those thoughts. Tonight might just be your chance to finally get over her. Your subconscious laughs heartily at you because you're not nearly naive enough to really believe that could ever happen. You stop thinking about that for the moment though because you're parked in front of another girl's house and tonight could be fun if you let it be.

Tonight, your demons will have to take the back seat because your date will be riding in the front. You straighten up your sweater and brush your hair over your right shoulder before using the hand not holding the flowers to knock on her door. She answers within seconds with a giant smile on her face.

"Thank goodness. I thought you were gonna bolt. I heard you arrive a couple of minutes ago and it looked like you were having second thoughts when I peeked out of the window."

You rub the back of your neck nervously but give her a small smile before telling her honestly,

"I was, but I'm glad I didn't. You look nice. I mean-not to say you don't always look nice because you do. Everyone always says you have nice legs and everything and...wow. I'm gonna stop talking now."

You're broken out of mentally reprimanding yourself by her chuckling and shaking her head.

"You're cute. Are those for me?"

She asks as she looks down to the flowers in your hand. You smile weakly and nod.

"Yeah, just a little something I picked up on the way. Just between me and you, I have an in with the florist so if you ever want a discount just let me know."

You whisper the last part like a secret and she smirks as she takes them from your hands. Your nerves ease a little.

"Thank you. These are lovely first date flowers. I'm sure you already know that though, Flower Princess. Let me put them in some water really fast and then we can head out."

You flush at having been caught but nod in acceptance and step inside when she waves you in and closes the door before darting off towards where you assume her kitchen is. It's only then that you realize something strange is stirring in your stomach.

The walls are a deep maroon and crudely painted as if whoever did it was in a hurry, but there is absolutely nothing on them minus a small black and white picture of an empty boat resting on the shore of a body of water. They are bare from top to bottom with the exception of the somewhat-creepy photo, and if that wasn't weird enough, there is also no furniture in sight. The floor is made of cheap plywood-the kind usually used before a carpet is laid down-but it looks as though someone went through great efforts to pull it up. The floor is dusty and by all means plain except for an old, dark blue rug that seems oddly placed in a random spot on the wood. The stirring in your stomach intensifies.

The house is as empty on the inside as it looks like it would be from the outside and a cold chill runs down your spine when you realize why. Your heart starts beating overtime as your wide eyes scan the house again, hoping to find a flaw to prove your theory wrong. You feel so stupid for not noticing sooner. You can feel years of therapy going down the drain with every stale breath of familiar air you inhale. It looks different now of course, but still feels just as haunting as it did back then. Ten years is a long time, but you've definitely been here before. Hell, you're still dragged here on occasion during your worst nights when the nightmares break through your drug-induced haze and seep into your subconscious making you see the monsters that lurk deep inside you.

The walls are painted like that because of the blood that had been splattered across them. The photo is there to hide the bullet hole in the wall. The carpet is gone and the rug remains where you're almost certain the wood is stained red in a dark, distorted oblong shape where the floor saw a demon fall. Of course you would be the only person unlucky enough to be going on a date with the girl who lives in the house you lost your parents in. And just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, you feel your world spinning off its axis, your eyes closing, and your body falling once again.

* * *

  
** Clarke **

_"This isn't easy. This isn't clear. And you don't need Jesus, 'til you're here. Then confusion and the doubts you had up and walk away. They walk away when a heart breaks."_

**When a Heart Breaks-Ben Rector**

 

* * *

  

You're not nervous or happy or excited. You're just sort of there. Finn is trying really hard to be attentive and react to your every move but right now, everything he does just seems to annoy you even though you knew this was exactly what you asked for when you agreed to the date. He had attempted to hold your hand right after he had opened the car door for you but you had already prepared for it and had your phone in your hands, pretending to check your messages before he could make a move. You felt bad for a brief moment before he unceremoniously threw an arm over your shoulders. Suddenly, the gesture wasn't as charming as it was before and the weight of his arm felt more possessive and commanding than anything. You were just about to pretend to scratch your shin to get out from under his touch when you heard the unmistakable, and quite frankly, loud voice of one big-mouthed Latina.

"Griffin! Must be date night for you kids too, huh? What a coincidence. Me and this beautiful lady are on our very first date as well."

They're walking towards you and Finn from a couple of cars over. She smirks at you but when she glances at Anya, you notice her eyes soften and peer down at their intertwined hands only to see your friend running a soothing line across the skin on the side of Anya's pointer finger with her thumb. You give her a genuine smile because you're happy she got the girl even if you didn't. Your heart drops a little when you realize this but you stamp down the disappointment with a forced laugh and a light jest at your friend's behalf.

"Took you long enough. You've been giving her sappy doe eyes for years now."

She blushes and bumps her shoulder into the girl in questions when she lets out a chuckle, stating in a confident voice,

"Hey, don't think I never noticed you checking me out in gym class or at lunch. You can't resist the beauty that is Raven Reyes. This body was made by the gods."

Anya laughs again but slowly rakes her eyes over your best friend nonetheless.

"Can't argue with you there."

You suddenly feel slightly uncomfortable, like you're interrupting a moment. Finn must feel it too because he clears his throat and you're a little shocked for a second because you honestly forgot he was even there.

"So, what movie are you ladies going to see? A nice chick-flick or something all soft and girly and romantic?"

You know he doesn't mean to sound as sexist and ignorant as he does, and Raven does too so she quickly steps in after seeing Anya's lip curl up in disgust and offense,

"Actually, we're going to see Deadpool again. We both saw it twice already separately, but Anya here hasn't had the privilege of watching it with the added bonus of having my amazing commentary."

Anya snorts at this and finally speaks after getting over her initial displeasure with Finn opening his mouth,

"And I've already told you, if you ruin this movie with your obnoxious talking and weird physics facts, I'm going to gag you myself."

Raven just pretends to swoon and quips back,

"Oh my, you say the sweetest things. Isn't she such a charmer?"

She winks at you with a wide smile on her face and you find yourself laughing at their endearing interaction. You wish you felt that at ease with someone. You let your mind wander to brown waves cascading down a tan back and pretend you can hear soft laughter your ears have never actually been privy to, escaping plump, pink lips. In your mind, she turns to you and her eyes aren't hard and angry as they make contact with yours. The mental image makes your heart speed up because you wish more than anything she would actually look at you like that.

"Cool, that's what we're going to see too. We should probably go buy our tickets now, Clarke."

Finn directs the last sentence at you and begins pulling you away from the uncomfortable scene he had created. You glance back at your friend giving her a small wave.

"Guess we'll see you in there. We're gonna wait a little for our double-date partners to show."

She says as she shares a conspiratory grin with Anya and you wonder why they look like they're sharing some devious secret that may or may not involve blowing something up. Which, you know for a fact, is quite possible when one Raven Reyes is involved.

"Okay weirdos. We're not saving you any good seats though."

You call out as Finn guides you through the doors and to the ticket booth. You feel a little more like a dog than a date but he leans over and kisses your hair and it's such a sweet gesture you forget the feeling immediately. He pays for both of your tickets and asks if you want anything from the concession. You nod and he also pays for your popcorn and drink. The imbalance of making decisions for yourself fades into the background of your mind. You put your phone away to help carry the popcorn and not so secretly sneak a few pieces off the top while you walk towards the attendant who's taking tickets. The woman has kind eyes and a sincere smile when she tears your tickets and hands you back your portions while telling you which theater your movie is in and to enjoy the show. You're so immersed in finding an evenly buttered piece of popcorn you don't notice Finn has decided you should both sit at the very top. You're not unaware of what this specific choice in seating was meant for. You know exactly why he chose these seats and he's going to be sorely disappointed when you don't let him reach any of the bases. If he thinks he's getting anything more than a possible kiss on the cheek from you tonight, he's deluding himself and he doesn't know you at all. As soon as you're both sitting, you a little put off by the arrangement and him smiling smugly like he knows something you don't, he immediately laces your fingers together. You give him a small smile and look towards where you entered, hoping Raven and Anya and whoever they're here on a double-date with, will appear soon. Being alone with Finn in this setting is making your stomach a bit queasy.

"I'm really glad you agreed to this Clarke. I've liked you for a while now. I'm happy you're finally mine."

Finn is whispering as an excuse to move closer to you and you grimace slightly at the smell of his breath and the uncomfortable possessiveness of his last statement.

"We've known each other for a while now, I think it's only fair to give this a shot. But you know I don't belong to anyone but me."

He frowns at this and his cheeks turn slightly red as he leans back to look at you with something in his eyes you've never seen before. His hand in yours tightens slowly and subtly but the action speaks of an underlying anger. You wonder what you said to make him mad but you're both broken out of the tense moment when the screen comes to life and the commercials begin. You don't start another conversation because you can practically feel the aggravation pouring off your date even though his grip did loosen on your hand. For a terrifying second, you wonder if you even really know who this boy is. You're not sure what he's capable of and his quickness to anger was something you never expected and that scares you.

After two new movie trailers and several minutes of silent awkwardness, Anya and Raven enter the theater. Anya looks upset about something and is whispering furiously to Raven who is rubbing a soothing path down her back and listening intently while also adding in words of her own in between Anya's pauses. They don't look back at you and Finn and you notice no one else has entered behind them. They grab middle seats about five rows in front of you and as soon as they're sitting you see Anya's chair moving at a quick, steady pace back and forth. You can't see for sure, but you assume she's shaking a leg, or maybe both, pretty fast and in an anxious manner. She only stills when Raven tosses an arm over her shoulders and leans over to kiss her cheek gently. You watch, only slightly jealous, as Anya easily leans into Raven's embrace. They look so comfortable and at ease with one another it makes your heart yearn for the same feeling. You can tell Raven is whispering something to her by the subtle nods Anya is making and the way her shoulders immediately relax after your friend has turned to look around the darkened room. You lock gazes first before you narrow your eyes in a show of concern and give a questioning glance and head nod towards her date, asking a silent question. She nods her answer back to you and gives you an " _ok_ " sign with the hand draped across Anya's shoulders before turning her eyes back to the screen just in time to watch the opening sequence for the preview of The Jungle Book-which you are totally going to see since that story is practically your childhood-and just like that you forget about questionable behavior and missing double-date partners.

You forget all the way up until almost forty-five minutes into the movie when Lexa walks in holding the hand of a girl you vaguely recognize as being on the soccer team. Lexa looks so casual but also heart-droppingly good in a loose sweater, jeans that hug her hips and thighs like they were made just for her, and combat boots you would gladly let her step on you in. Okay, maybe that's a little extreme, but the whole outfit is really doing it for you. You're only snapped out of your haze when you remember she's not alone. Your blood runs cold and your heart does strange things as you watch Lexa carefully guide the girl, Tris you think her name is, into the empty seats Raven had been saving. She doesn't let go of her hand once they're settled and you wish more than anything you had stayed home tonight because watching the girl you love being on a date with someone else is breaking you apart. You know you're a hypocrite for being so angry and jealous because you're here with Finn and it's not fair to be upset, but you can't help it. You wonder idly when you began to love her so much you forgot how to feel anything else. You're reminded you're only human when you realize what this feeling is. You never thought it would be this bad, but looking at her now being so close with someone else in this way fucking hurts.

It hurts behind your eyelids where it feels like you may start to cry. It hurts in your chest where you swear you can feel your heart actually breaking. It hurts in your head where every future with her you had planned and every innocent dream you ever had of a happy life bursts into flames. It hurts in the spaces between your fingers where rough skin burns cold instead of hot against your palm and the icy touch is sending spirals of numbness washing through your veins to your fingertips. Finn's hand feels like an anchor dragging you down not lightness lifting you up. You long to know what it would feel like to have her hand wrapped around yours and her shoulder pressed against yours like Tris and her's are now. You feel sick to your stomach and you find yourself pushing the popcorn into Finn's lap, movie forgotten, and moving to stand on shaky legs.

"I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

He barely pays you any attention as he nods in your general direction without ever taking his eyes off the screen. You would be annoyed if it didn't feel like you were about to blow chunks all over the dark carpet below your feet. You scamper down the steps and out of the door, heading towards the nearest ladies room and locking yourself in the last stall before the handicap one. You hear a stall door unlock and water start to run so you let out a soft sob into your palm as the tears begin to fall. It, apparently, wasn't quiet enough though because you hear a tiny, innocent voice coming from somewhere near the bathroom door ask,

"Mommy, why are dey cwying?"

The girl can't be older than three or four and at any other time you would have found her pronunciation quite adorable, but right now you just feel even more embarrassed that you've been made by a toddler. The sound of paper towels being taken from the dispenser layers over the reply but you can hear it well enough.

"Because sweetie, sometimes movies are so sad they make the people watching them sad too."

She's wrong about the reason you're crying but somehow her reply still makes you cry harder. There's a bit of silence for a second and what you assume is the rustling of used paper towels being thrown away, shoes squeaking against the tile, and the door opening and closing again. You lean your head against the left side of the stall because you think you're finally alone, and inhale a shaky breath.

You almost jump out of your skin though when the sound of tiny feet running towards your stall sounds too loudly in the otherwise silent space. The feet stop just in front of your stall and you can see light up Spider-Man shoes just under the door. Then there's a small face with loose brown curls surrounding it, resting on an even smaller hand on the floor peering up at you. You attempt to give the little girl a watery smile because you don't know what else to do. This is awkward and you've never been in this position before so the guidelines for proceeding on with this strange situation are foreign to you. She smiles back though, showing off her gums complete with three empty spaces where teeth should be, a small dimple in the cheek not pressed to her hand, and murky green-brown eyes squinting with the action. She then reaches into her jacket pocket and fishes out a small handful of what appears to be several different candies and places them on the floor just inside the stall by your feet.

"I was saving dem for lader, but tandy always makes me happy so you tan have dem. It'll be otay miss lady."

The exchange couldn't have been more than a few seconds and then she's gone as quick as she came but not quick enough for her mother not to realize she's missing. The door opens again and the woman from before beckons for the little girl in a stern voice,

"Niylah, let's go. It's almost past your bed time and Mommy still has to stop by the store on the way home."

She must not have seen her daughter's previous position which is good because you don't want to have to explain any of this situation to a grown woman and her child. There's a sudden stillness to the air and you know they left for good this time. You're glad for the solitude but find yourself somewhat missing the cute little girl's company. She had at least taken your mind off what, or rather who, ails you for a couple of seconds. You stare at the floor candy she left you-a yellow skittle, two green m&ms, one Swedish fish, a slightly melted milk dud, all adorned with a light coating of pocket lint-and let out a small snort because you're definitely not eating it, but the gesture was nice especially coming from someone so young. You think her parents (or maybe just her mom, you don't know what's happening in their lives) are doing a fine job raising such a sweet child. You hope she never has to go through anything like what you are now.

And just like that, you're crying again because even a young child treats you nicer than the girl you love. You hate that she doesn't love you back. You hate the way she looks so good in her date outfit. You hate that someone else is holding her hand and feeling her warmth right now. You hate that she never came to see you when you were hurt. You hate the way she looked at you that day in the bathroom at school. You hate that she never talks to you. You hate that in spite of all the things she does or doesn't do, you still continue to love her anyway.

Once you feel like you're all cried out, you're thankful again for being alone and quickly clean up your face the best you can. You take a deep breath, inhaling long and hard through your nose, and release it from your mouth. It's not right now, but maybe Niylah was right: It'll be okay. You suck it up and push your feelings to the back of your mind as you make your way back into the theater.

You tell yourself to just focus on getting to Finn sitting in the top row and not to let your eyes stray but you're unsuccessful. You don't think you'll ever be able to stop yourself from finding her if she's near and now is no exception. Even with your bleeding heart and puffy eyes begging you to stay the course and only look at Finn, you fail and immediately lock onto her face.

You've seen her look beautiful wearing her hair a lot of different ways-like tied up off her shoulders in gym class, in her signature braids to keep stray locks out of her face, there was even that time you saw her hastily throw it into a top bun after school as she walked to her car-but with the flickering lights of the movie casting shadows across her profile and her hair cascading so flawlessly to the side, you're stuck in place with the perfection of it all. You don't even realize you've stopped moving until you see her head turn towards you and her green eyes blaze right through your soul. She looks at you with a mix of concern and curiosity. Her eyes seem to roam your face as if searching for something. You don't know if she finds whatever she was looking for because you quickly turn and make your way back to Finn. He immediately wraps his arm around your shoulders and you let the weight sink through your skin and into the cracks in your heart, only to feel it settle at the bottom.

You try to watch the rest of the movie but your mind is a million miles away. You've been staring at the back of her head for some time, lost in thought, when you feel a rough hand sliding over your shoulder. You're not quick enough to move out of the way before you feel a harsh squeeze against your breast and you hiss in pain and anger at the audacity of the boy beside you. You shoot up from your seat, seething and ready to punch him right in his smirking face, but then you see the drink he bought you and the popcorn that's still half full and you decide to spare your knuckles the pain.

Both items are unceremoniously dumped on his head in the order you saw them. He gasps as the cold drink drips down his hair and popcorn sticks to his hands and clothes.

"Fuck you."

Is your choice of parting words. You don't bother whispering because you doubt anyone can hear you over the loud sound of gun fire happening on the screen behind you. Your arms are crossed over your chest protectively as you briskly walk away and you would probably be crying if you hadn't already shed so many tears earlier.

You make it all the way outside when you realize you don't know where to go so you plop yourself down on the curb a little ways away from the door and rest your head against your arms as they rest against your knees, waiting for something or anything really.

No more than five minutes later, you hear a loud commotion and look up to see Finn sprinting towards his car holding his nose with pieces of popcorn flying off his clothes and drops of soda trailing behind him. Raven angrily bursts through the slowly closing door soon after yelling profanities in English and Spanish after him. She's followed up by Anya and Tris who both look equal parts disgusted and upset in the direction the boy ran in. Lexa is the last one out and that's because she's being held by her upper arms with her hands in the air in a show of compliance by an annoyed looking security guard.

"Don't even think about coming back in. You ladies are lucky the manager isn't banning you for the foreseeable future. What were you thinking starting a fight in the middle of a theater?"

He huffs out rhetorically as he finally releases Lexa, glaring at her only. He stands with his arms crossed under a name tag that reads 'Roan', waiting to make sure they leave you suppose. Raven is being held back from running after Finn by Anya. Tris looks on seemingly impressed by Raven's vocabulary and ability to shout such vulgar words without once taking a breath. Lexa isn't paying attention to any of them though. She's only looking at you. Her hands are balled into fist and you notice what looks like the start of some bruising dusting the knuckles of her right hand.

You piece it all together then: Finn running away holding his nose, Raven's Spanglish fury, Anya and Tris's disgusted looks, and Lexa's bruising fist. Lexa punched Finn. She started a fight with him and you can guess why. Your eyes well up with tears again because now they all know what happened, as if the whole thing wasn't embarrassing enough already. Her hard eyes soften and she steps towards you immediately.

"Come on. I'll take you home."

It's like velvet to your ears and everything you hoped it would be to hear her addressing you like this. You wish it wasn't under these circumstances, but you're selfish so you'll take it. You're about to stand and follow her when you glance behind her and see three sets of eyes watching the both of you, not including Roan who is stone in his position in front of the doors. Lexa doesn't even bother turning around to look at them when she says,

"Please make sure Tris gets home safely Raven, and I'll meet you back at home, Anya. I'll text you both after I drop Clarke off."

"You got it Commander. I expect texts from the both of you though."

Raven says seriously as she finally settles down and makes eye contact with you. You give a small nod and that seems to appease her so she laces her hand with Anya's and the three of them set off towards her car leaving you, Lexa, and Roan on the sidewalk. Lexa takes small steps towards you like you're a wounded animal and she's trying not to scare you away. You sniffle and wipe at your eyes with the sleeve of your shirt.

This isn't how you imagined this night going at all and you're not really sure how to feel about any of it. Lexa squats down in front of you and looks at you for a beat as though she's going to say something important but decides against it at the very last second. Her injured hand comes up and gently cups your cheek, wiping away a stray tear. It sends sparks right through your skin and to your heart. Your chest is still hurting from watching her be with someone else all night, but when she stands and holds her hand out for you to take, well it feels a little like healing.

* * *

  

**Lexa**

_"It's always have and never hold. You've begun to feel like home. What's mine is yours to leave or take. What's mine is yours to make your own."_

**Look After You-The Fray**

 

* * *

  

The first thing you hear when you come to is Tris muttering the word ' _shit'_ in quick succession. When you finally open your eyes, she seems to be pacing a hole in the floor with her phone to her ear. She stops as soon as she sees you've come to and is instantly by your side.

"Sweet relief, she's awake again."

She's speaking into the phone and you wonder who she's talking to as you sit up.

"Yeah, her head is fine. I caught her before she could give herself a concussion... Mhm... Yeah... I'll ask her and let you know... I swear she's okay Anya... Okay, I'll talk to you in a little bit. Bye."

She hangs up and sighs loudly as she holds a hand to her forehead.

"You almost gave me a heart attack Wilde. How are you feeling?"

Your mouth taste dry and your brain is a little foggy but then you remember where you are and your eyes bug out while your body shoots up off the floor. When you wobble on your unsteady feet, gentle hands are there to steady you.

"Woah. Easy there. You just passed out, you should probably take it easy for a little bit, okay?"

She pushes your shoulders until you're sitting again and you run a hand over your face.

"I can't be here. I have to get out."

She looks slightly hurt and confused so you decide to just be honest with her.

"I use to live here, Tris. I can't stay in here."

She must know exactly what you're talking about because now her eyes are wide as she puts two and two together.

"Shit, Lex! I had no idea! That whole thing is the only reason I'm able to afford this place. Oh my gosh, come on. We'll leave now."

She's hurrying you up and out the door before you pass out again or start having a panic attack. She opens the passenger's side door for you and helps you into your car before running towards the driver's side and sliding in.

"Keys?"

She questions, holding out her hand for said objects. You reach into your pocket and drop them into her upturned palm, watching her turn the car on and pull away from her very own house of dead. You have no idea where you're going but the further away you drive the lighter the pressure on your heart feels. She glances at you multiple times as she drives like she's checking to make sure you haven't magically disappeared on her. Five minutes later she pulls into an empty parking lot outside a park but makes no move to get out of the car.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Her voice is small and unsure and you don't know what makes you decide to say it, but you reply with a simple,

"Yes."

Something about this moment seems so significant to you. You remember what your therapist said about using these moments of comfortable clarity to help you move on and overcome your fear of the past. Tris hasn't run away yet and she already knows more about your situation than most people. You feel like this is your chance to free yourself of some of the pain you carry and maybe it will be somewhat healing. You don't start speaking immediately after you reply and you're grateful she doesn't push you to. She just waits patiently until you're ready. You take the time to order the story right in your head before you open up your mouth,

"Ten years ago, I lost both my parents in that house. My dad used to be in the army. I don't remember much about him or what his job was, he was always in and out of my life from a young age, but what I do remember of him aren't good memories. My mom said he suffered from PTSD but I didn't know just how bad it was. He drank a lot when he was home but most of the time he just yelled at me and my mom any chance he got. He was so messed up and angry. One night, my mom came home from work and found me hiding in the closet because my dad had been waving the gun he kept at home around all day and making shooting noises at me whenever I made a sound. I had been so scared and, as it turns out, I had every right to be. I didn't tell her I had already called the cops in my fear. When she went downstairs to confront him about it and tell him to get help or get out he wouldn't have it. He kept yelling over her and pushing her into the wall so I tried to stop him, but he just shoved me to the ground. There wasn't anything I could do. He was pointing the gun at her head when we heard the sirens. My mom looked over at me and smiled and told me she was proud of me, like she knew what was about to happen. She wasn't even crying. Everything after that was a blur. He didn't blink when he shot her then turned towards me. I thought I was going to die. The cops shot him before he could pull the trigger on me. Both of them were there one moment and gone the next, just like that."

You don't say anything else and you don't cry. This is your burden to bear. This is the weight you carry as you lay down to sleep every night. Sometimes you wake up screaming, others, you wake up and immediately empty the contents of your stomach. On those nights, in your hazy still partially asleep state, the light coating of your sweat feels a lot like the heavy droplets of your mother's blood splattered across your cheeks and arms, a few drops rolling down your legs, and you remember the metallic taste on your tongue, the smell of smoke and metal, and the painful silence. _Oh God_ , do you remember the silence. On those nights you beg for death to take you. You want to take your mother's place on the other end of your father's .9 millimeter. But then it's not quiet anymore and the drying blood on your face is met with fresher blood. The bullet meant for you never gets to see the light of day and you're watching your father fall to his knees. You don't speak for months after you hear his last words. You don't tell the officer who runs his eyes over your body in search of injuries that your heart took the hardest of the blows. He can't see the blood turn to ice inside your veins. He doesn't know that while he may be wrapping you in a blanket you're not cold and shivering from the night air. He doesn't know you did this. He doesn't know you killed your parents. He doesn't know your father's last words were,

"This is all your fault."

But you know. You know and you take it. You absorb it into your mind, your body, your soul. You are the Angel of Death. That's why you were allowed to live. The grim reaper has your same brown hair and emotionless green eyes. It's the reflection you've seen staring back at you in the mirror every morning for the past ten years. You have seen death and you have become it. You are the living version of Oppenheimer's famous quote. Everything and everyone you love has an expiration date and there's nothing you can do to slow down time. Your job is a simple one: You must die everyday so no one else has to. The weight of all the lives you've ever encountered rest heavily on your shoulders and you carry them with gasping breaths and tears in your eyes. Your mother's voice whispering in your head,

"I'm so proud of you"

is the only reason you continue to be able to stand. Nothing will stop you from saving everyone you can. Not even the sweet promise of a final death that never comes. Not even God's perfect angel sent from above with the sky in her eyes and her sweet words and pointed looks that reek of a never-ending love and guaranteed safety. The empty cavity where your heart should be can not be home to a love that big. You figure you probably don't know how to love anymore, or maybe you never did. You hate that you're thinking about her right now. You hate that she makes you want to take a rest from saving everyone and be the one being saved for a change. You hate her for reminding you of the love you can never have. You hate her for being life when all you want is death. She doesn't see the chinks in your armor because you've had years to learn how to hide them. She doesn't see the blood pooling at your feet from the gaping hole where your heart should go. She doesn't see any of it and you pray she never will. You hate that in spite of everything you've taught yourself about love being weakness, you really do love Clarke Griffin.

"I'm so sorry, Lexa. I didn't know. If I did, I would have never agreed to let you pick me up. That's a lot to carry around with you, especially since such a young age. I'm happy and honored you felt like you could tell me all of this. But if you're not feeling up to this anymore, there are no hard feelings and I can take you home if you want. I'll catch a bus or something back to my place and we can pretend like this never happened on Monday. I know this can't be easy for you."

She's looking at you earnestly but there is no pity in her stare, only genuine sympathy and compassion. You're suddenly struck by the revelation that you're very glad you told her everything. You have Anya who is practically your sister, Raven who seems to come as a packaged deal with Anya these days, and Uncle Gus who is the father you never had, but _now_? Now you also have a friend you made all on your own. You smile gratefully at her and shake your head.

"No, I think we should still go see that movie. But since I'm being completely honest with you, you should know I only want to be friends. Is that okay?"

You hope that's okay with her because you could really use a friend that's not technically related to you or your friend by default because they're dating your best friend. She looks at you in silence for a second before bursting into uproarious laughter. You're confused by this and when she sees your reaction she only laughs harder. It takes her a minute to bring her laughter down to the occasional giggle before she says,

"That's more than okay. Since you've been so honest with me, I feel like I should be honest with you; I only agreed to this date because Raven and Anya said it would make Atom jealous. I've had the hugest crush on him for forever and I think he likes me too, but he refuses to make a move first. So when they approached me about going on this date, I was all for it. Don't get me wrong, you're pretty and I definitely hope we can be really good friends, but I think we both know our hearts belong to other people."

She winks at you like she knows an important secret about you (other than how you became an orphan) and you raise an eyebrow in question.

"Oh come on, anyone with eyes can see you're in love with Clarke. Well, maybe except her. I'm actually pretty confident you two are soul mates."

She smiles at you and you can't help but blush with the knowledge that someone else also thinks you and Clarke are meant for each other. Sadly, you know you're no good for her as you are now. You still have a lot of things you need to work out before you can even start to be her friend. You don't know how long it will take to get there, but the selfish part of you hopes she'll wait for you while you figure it out.

"It wouldn't work out. I'm damaged goods, but thanks for the sentiment. Can we go see the movie now? I'm in the mood to drown my sorrows in popcorn and candy."

It's mostly a joke and Tris picks up on that so she just smiles softly at you and nods. You like that she doesn't ask questions. You don't think you're ready for that quite yet. Before she starts up the car though, she sends off a text and you assume it's to Anya like she promised then the two of you are on your way.

When you get there, the movie has already started but you still buy two tickets to it knowing Anya would never let you hear the end of it if you flaked out on her. She wouldn't ever admit it, but you could tell she was still somewhat nervous to be around Raven alone. Tris hands you back your keys while you're waiting for the woman to accept your tickets. You're both walking down the hallway to the theater the movie is playing in when you feel her slip her hand into yours. You smile because it doesn't feel romantic and you know it's just for show and maybe a little bit of an act of solidarity and reassurance that you're still okay after everything that's happened tonight. You're glad you made a friend out of reliving the worst night of your life.

You immediately find Raven and Anya all cozied up near the middle of the theater and slip in beside them quietly. You haven't even been sitting there for a full minute when a flash of blonde whisks by. You turn your head too late to get a good glimpse at who it was but just seeing the color of the mystery woman's hair has sent your heart into a vastly palpitating state. You wonder if Clarke is having fun on the date you know she's on because Anya and Raven wouldn't stop talking about it every time the Latina was over at your house for a "study date". You secretly hope she's not. You hope she's having the worst time and that Finn has something stuck in his teeth or that he smells bad and Clarke ends up cancelling the date. You don't like that you're jealous of that douche bag in the first place and that you don't know what Clarke decided to wear for their first date. You hate that he probably didn't even compliment her or pick her up Amaryllis flowers, pink Carnations, or maybe a nice Calla Lily. You would give her a dozen of each if it were you taking her on a date. You scowl to yourself because that's definitely not happening with Finn following her around all the time like a lost puppy and also because you're you.

You try to focus on the movie because it's hilarious and your friends are enjoying it, but you can't seem to get in to it. Something is bothering you and you can't stop wondering what Clarke is doing right now. Unfortunately, (or fortunately you're not really sure) you find out exactly what Clarke is/was doing when she comes walking in the theater after having been gone for a couple of minutes. You don't notice her at first but when you feel eyes on you, you turn and see she has literally stopped on the steps just to look at you. When you make eye contact your heart constricts and you can immediately tell she's been crying. You want to reach out and comfort her but she's not yours to touch or be with. She's gone before anything else can happen.

You feel her eyes on you for the longest time after that. You sit ramrod straight and don't even bother trying to watch the movie because you're too busy focusing on not hyperventilating under the blonde's steady gaze on the back of your head which you can feel like a sixth sense.

The movie is almost over when it happens. You hear a drink being emptied and a bucket being dumped along with a gasp and a husky,

"Fuck you."

You turn just in time to see Clarke storming out of the theater leaving behind an angry looking Finn who happens to be standing there a soda soaked mess with popcorn stuck to his shirt. He growls and Raven has also looked back at him in confusion at the current situation.

"What happened?"

She asks, as she turns more towards him to hear his answer.

"I just grabbed her tit a little as a joke and the stupid bitch dumped soda and popcorn on me!"

He yells ferociously. He's grumbling profanities and insults as he stalks out after Clarke. You don't even think or hesitate as you jump up and over Tris on autopilot. You find him standing by the concession trying to wipe himself down with napkins. You gently tap his shoulder and he doesn't stand a chance when your fist collides directly with his nose. He's falling before he even knows what, or who, hit him.

"Don't you ever fucking talk about Clarke like that again or I will end you."

Your words are spoken in a low snarl and the threat isn't an idle one. You've been itching to give him a beat down since you heard his foul-mouthed tangent in class the other day. He stands back up holding his nose in his hand and looks at you angrily. He only has the time to take one threatening step towards you, like he's about to hit you back, before he literally runs away after noticing Raven had began stalking towards him while rolling up her sleeves. Anya and Tris follow her out the front when she takes off after him. You're not so lucky though and a beefy security guard is hauling you forward by the shoulders before you can chase after them. You know not to fight with authority figures so you put your hands in the air in a show of surrender.

"Don't even think about coming back in. You ladies are lucky the manager isn't banning you for the foreseeable future. What were you thinking starting a fight in the middle of a theater?"

He's only looking at you but you're only looking at Clarke. She looks so fragile and defeated sitting there on the curb and your stomach clenches uncomfortably with the agonizing want to make the pain you see on her face go away. When tears well up in her eyes you almost lose it. You hate that instead of confessing your undying love for her right then and there you just say,

"Come on. I'll take you home."

Her eyes are stormy but bright and the tears are making them a shimmering blue you've never seen before yet somehow already love. At the same time though, you also know you never want to see that blue again if it means it only appears when she cries. She looks like she's about to get up when she finally glances behind you. You see the apprehension in her eyes and immediately request,

"Please make sure Tris gets home safely Raven, and I'll meet you back at home, Anya. I'll text you both after I drop Clarke off."

Raven replies with her own request directed at the two of you,

"You got it Commander. I expect texts from the both of you though."  
  
You assume they walk away after Clarke nods her head in agreement in their direction. You make your way towards the delicate blonde slowly after that. You squat down in order to be eye-level with her and it was probably a mistake. This close, she's even more breathtaking than she was before. Even as she sniffles and wipes at her tired looking eyes and slightly red nose you find her to be flawless. You want to tell her you love her but you know you can't or at least, not yet. Instead, you think of fragile glass when you reach out to wipe away a tear drop she missed so your battered hand knows to hold her cheek like she is the most important piece of fine china in the world. Her skin is soft and warm under your touch and you hate that you wish you didn't have to, but you move away. You only move far enough away to offer her your hand to help her up.

"I will get you home safely, I promise."

You add on softly, and that must do it because she's sliding her palm against yours and you're leading her away from the bright lights of the movie theater and the uncomfortable guard who is looking awkwardly at anything but the two of you. You love the way it makes your heart race when she doesn't let your hand go during the whole walk to your car except when she slips into the passenger's side while you hold the door open for her. After you buckle up and start the drive towards her house, you feel gentle fingers slipping between yours where your injured hand rests on the console between you and her. You don't feel like the two of you are the earth and the sky. In that moment, you feel like you fall somewhere inbetween and this small space you share with her is the most calming place you've ever been. When you glance over at her briefly, you notice she's leaning on her hand while looking out the window at the world passing by and you can't help it when your thumb subconsciously rubs a soothing pattern into the skin on her pinky finger. She takes a shuttering breath that leaves fog on the window at the action and you love the way the sound echoes in your ears and the silence surrounding the both of you.

Neither one of you notice the car that's been tailing you at a distance since you pulled out of the parking lot. Neither one of you can see the hatred painted across the scorned boy's face as he parks down the street with his tail lights off, watching as you walk Clarke safely to her door and squeezing hard on his steering wheel when she quickly hugs you goodbye before darting inside. Neither one of you is prepared for the days that lie ahead. In that moment, all you can think is: _maybe I can do this_. You think it's not as impossible as it once seemed to imagine you might actually be healed enough to be with Clarke someday. You don't know that someone else thinks they had a right to be with her first and will do whatever it takes to keep it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S If I, by any means, offended you with the usage of the phrase "Oh God" let me know and I will rephrase it into something non-offensive. Your opinions matter to me and I know some people really dislike when others use God's name in vain. I'm not religious, but I believe in everyone's right to have their religion respected.
> 
> P.P.S I hope you all forgive me for taking so long to update this and if you wanna talk about life and/or the universe you can find me being generally sappy and emotional on tumblr @adoringthesweetthings


	6. Not a chapter

This isn't an update on this fic but an announcement that I will be returning to writing and finishing this!!! Idk if anyone will even read this or not but I hope anyone who does knows I'm truly sorry for not updating in like more than a year but life happened and after they killed Lexa off it made it hard to want to finish this. Thank you to anyone who has messaged me over Tumblr asking me about my plans to finish this. It's always nice to know someone out there enjoyed my writing enough to want to read more of it. Anyway, that's it for now and hopefully a new chapter will be up by the end of this week!


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